not much awake, and not much asleep

So it is Thanksgiving day in twenty minutes and it'll probably be Thanksgiving day by time I finish this post.

Wow.  I am so exhausted.  Work was really hard on me today.  I can't stop thinking about several of the patients that I have had in the past year.  My life is so much better then their lives, and yet I always find something to complain  about. 

However, tonight I am feeling kind of down.  It's been a great year, but it has definitely had its trials.  Tonight my heart aches for a baby.  I wish we could start a family.  I can't imagine how Elizabeth of old felt during all the years that she was barren.  Or my sister who has lost two babies after birth and has had several miscarriages. 

But tonight my heart just aches.  I feel as if a spirit is missing from our family.  As if my life is just full of work and play but has no real rewards.  I know I will be able to bear a child one day, but the waiting has just been so hard these last couple months.  Part of me wants to give into fear and proclaim my doubtful soul. 

In two weeks I'll be getting my second MRI to see if my tumor is growing or has staid the same.  I am so nervous.  It was a miracle though, the worker that registered me for the MRI talked about how she had the same tumor twenty years ago.  And though it took her seven years to get pregnant, she now has two beautiful girls. 

I keep telling myself of these miracles.  I keep trying to focus on all the gifts that God has already blessed me with.  I must let go and say, "nevertheless, not my will but Thine be done."

I don't know if anyone reads this blog.  Part of me wishes someone would hear my cries and see my pain.  The other part of me hopes this blog is ignored for the fact that my true character is showing on the day that is supposed to be about giving thanks.  Yet here I am, hurting and complaining.  And so, for the next two weeks I will do my best to draw a smile on my face, put a skip in my walk, and sing a song of joy.  I know this is possible because of two women of whom I love and admire.

The first one is my Aunt Shirley.  She has battled cancer for more than a year and a half now.  Not only is she a survivor, but she is a winner.  I love her attitude in life and how she gets out of bed anyway even though the day may be dreary and painful.  She is my hero. 

The other person happens to be a coworker of mine.  Her name is Brea and she is only 27 years old.  I remember several months ago when she confided in me.  She told me that a lump had grown in her breast and that she had it removed.  She expressed her fears of cancer and other complications.  I listened.  I was worried for her, but naturally I expected the best.  It was only two days later that I had received the news that Brea was positive for breast cancer.  My heart sunk.   Out of all my coworkers, she seemed to be the sweetest, the most caring and forgiving nurse on the unit. How could she be the one to have to suffer such horror and heartache.  And not only did she have to suffer the diagnosis, she suffered it as a single mom of two girls.  Last night I saw her at work.  Perky and happy as ever, she bounced in an hour early to relieve us day workers.  Her head was completely bald.  Despite the chemotherapy and other treatments Brea endures.  Although she is immunocomprimised, she continues to work on a floor full of infections and diseases.  Her head is held high as she douses her hands with alcohol and treats patient after patient when she herself is a patient somewhere else. What a person.  What a woman.  What an angel. 

As I think about things I am grateful for today, these two women are on the top of my list. 
I'm also grateful for this blog.  Now that I have expressed some feelings of my heart, perhaps I will be able to sleep.