Sean's Beautiful Letter to His Mom

Sean wrote this beautiful letter to his mom and he wanted to share it on our blog. We miss you mamma Gerber.

Dear Mom,

I missed you last night. Anne and I went to a local elementary trunk-or-treat. William was a darling little fireman. He did not understand at first, but caught on quick. He didn’t say, ”trick or treat” but he held out his bag and managed a few “thank you’s.” About halfway through he asked me to hold his bag because it was getting heavy. Anne was able to take some really cute pictures.

It was hard because we would have visited you afterwards. You would not have been home though. We would have enjoyed your cute Halloween stuff. You would have held, hugged, and cuddled with William. We would have discussed Makenna and Anne’s hard pregnancy. The hopes and dreams we have for our darling little girl and our handsome son.

You and I would have spoken about school and how this semester is going. I would have complained about some things and excited about others. You would have patiently listened and, when you felt necessary, correcting and encouraging me. I don’t know that I will ever enjoy Halloween as much as I did when I was with you.

After a while we would discuss the upcoming Disney trip. How Anne and I were determined to go next time. William still loves Mickey Mouse. I made chocolate chip pancakes for breakfast and made a Mickey Mouse face for William; just like you used to do for me. He spotted it right away. He’s such a smart kid. I wish he would have been able to go with you. He would have loved it. Thank you for riding some of the extremely kiddy rides with me when we last went.

I miss seeing you playing and cuddling with William. You patiently letting him water your garden and make a mess in the kitchen. You didn’t care. You were happy to let your grandson be a child. You were happy that Anne and I were able to have kids. We are happy too. I sorrow because he will no longer have the chance to grow up with you.

I miss your hugs and your words of encouragement. I miss the fact that you loved me without stipulation or strings. You didn’t care about my mistakes, faults, and imperfections. You loved me simply because I was your son. That’s all that mattered to you. I still remember you whispering words of love and apologies in my ear when I told you of my hardest struggles as a teenager. That was the last time I saw your face and hugged you while you were alive. You loved me. You always had so much Christ-like love for me. And you always encouraged me to do the same for others.

Thank you for encouraging me to go to church and serve a mission. My greatest blessings and miracles have come from those two things.

Mom, I know you had to go, but I really miss you and wish you had not left. Even now when I say, “I Love You” when I think about you I still hear your reply of “Not as much as I Love You!”

Love,

Sean

My Little Makenna

Today I am 34 weeks pregnant. I have 6 weeks left and that almost seems unbearable. First of all because I am anxious to hold my sweet baby girl and secondly because I am exhausted. I am not necessarily enjoying the back spasms, leg cramps, acid reflux, and peeing every couple hours. But I am so grateful for the opportunity to bring another child into the world. I wrote William a letter when I was pregnant with him and I wanted to do the same for you.

My sweet, Makenna Anne Willardson,

You are beautiful. And you will always be beautiful. Don't you ever tell me otherwise! And don't you ever underestimate yourself because of your appearance. You are named after the two strongest people I know. Anne is your Grandma Major's middle name. She has been through Hell and back and back and back again. She has certainly had many trials in her life that debilitate many other people. But she has moved forward in her life with faith never wavering. She works hard and teaches children with disabilities. She shows them that they are capable of doing whatever they want to do. She knows that is possible because she grew-up in poverty. A time when women who wanted to go to college was laughable. But she borrowed money from her friend to apply to the U of U where she was accepted and finished her bachelors degree. She defied the odds because she had the strength to be unstoppable. There she met the other person who we are naming you after, my father, Kenneth Major.

You have probably had a chance to meet up with your sweet grandpa. I have missed him now for almost fifteen years when he died from a difficult battle to cancer. During his life, his family was everything to him. He loved his little girl, Patricia Anne. He spoiled her with surprise gifts and jewelry, built her a play house, and gave her the love of the world. I can now imagine how much he loved me, because I know how much I love you. He had a soft heart full of Christ-like love. He loved to give his little girl slobber kisses. I hope you escaped that yucky experience. But don't plan on escaping kisses from your parents!

There is another special woman that wasn't thrilled about her name. She begged us not to name our little girl after her, and so we kept that promise. But I want you to know about her legacy because she is your grandma Verna Lou Gerber. Your brother liked to call her "Grammer." She is your dad's mom and she is wonderful. I know you are probably spending time with her now. She had the biggest heart of anyone I have ever met. She had so much compassion for people and especially her family. She loved them more than life. She also loved spoiling her family with gifts. I guess your daddy will have to take her place and spoil his little girl. We really miss our "Grammer" Gerber. 

Makenna, your parents and grandparents don't necessarily want you to be just like them, they want you to become YOU! But take advice from them and know that the sky is not even the limit, and you are capable of much more than being looked at. You are beautiful no matter what color your hair, the shape of your body, or the texture of your skin. You are beautiful because you are Makenna Anne Willardson. And don't ever forget that.

I will not be the perfect mom, but I will do whatever it takes for you to have a good life. I never want you to doubt that you are loved, because you are very loved. My love grows deeper and deeper for you everyday. As I feel you move inside my womb, my heart is filled with joy. It is something that I hope you will get to experience one day. And then you will begin to know the love that I have for you. 

Stay healthy, my little one. I love you. 

Love, 

Your Mommy.

2 years old!

We had a fantastic day celebrating William's birthday. I had to work the night before his birthday and slept most of the day. But that evening we let him open one present, his tricycle! It was love at first sight. He played with it until the sun went down. And when it was time for him to go inside, he was very upset and kept crying for his bike. On the day after, June 30th, William woke up and the first thing he wanted to do was "go outside, my bike." William and I ate breakfast together while Sean was at school. After that we cuddled in my bed watching William's favorite show, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. We got ready for the day and as William commanded, we played on his new bike. He doesn't know how too peddle, but he just uses his feet to push himself where he wants to go. Sean eventually got home and went to meet up with my cousin, Julie, at the Museum of Natural Curiosity. Sean put the new bike in the car to take with us to my moms and William went ballistic, "my bike! My bike!!!" He eventually calmed down after we told him he could ride it at grandma's house. 

When we got to the museum, William was mesmerized. We immediately went and played on the jungle gym where there was literally 3 stories of a play fortress. Funny thing to note, there was a toddler area and he was not impressed. He went straight to the big kid's play fortress. William climbed all around it. He found a slide that he love and I even managed to carry him up 2 flights of a rope course (16 weeks pregnant and he is 30+ pounds)! He enjoyed driving the small train and feeding the block monster. We then went to the cool water works area where William splashed and played until he was soaked and content. Sean had fun building the water ducts with William. At the end we took him to the ark where there was a swimming place and William didn't hesitate to jump right in the cold water. He screamed and cried when we had to leave. 

After the museum we went to my moms and had a BBQ. We gave her a cute little card announcing that she will be having a new granddaughter. We made a cool tractor cake for William. He loved it so much. After he blew out the candles, he only wanted to play with his tractors from the cake. He would not eat cake, and he would not open gifts. We finally forced him to open more presents where he found more cars and Legos etc. He was very happy. When we got home, all he wanted was to play with his tractors. It took us quite a while to get him in the bath and ready for bed. We read him his new book and he went to sleep with his tractors. I love him so much. It is so crazy that he is 2. My life wouldn't be complete without him. Happy birthday my sweet, sweet son, William. I love you always and forever. 

Peas in a Pod

I can hardly believe how big William is. When he is standing straight, he comes up to my belly! He is so cute and I am so proud of him. He has learned so much in the last year, it is crazy! He knows several words. We can ask him where something is in a book and he will point at the subject. He is also learning how to talk more. One funny thing is that he often ends his sentences referring to himself. Although I don't think he realizes that is what he is doing. For example he will say, "go bye-bye Weeam" (he doesn't quite know how to pronounce his name). He also loves to yell for mommy when he wants something. The other day he was sitting at the dinner table eating dinner. Sean and I had finished so we were sitting on the couch. He would stand tall on the kitchen chair and yell, "MOMMY! MOMMY! I WANT CHICKEN!" Even though he was eating something like a hot dog. We just laughed and said okay. Sean's mom died on April 28th, 2014. It was a very bad day. I will have to write about the details of that day later. But William put a smile on our faces when we were in the drive-in for In-and-Out Burger. William suddenly decided to tell us what he wanted for dinner. He randomly yelled emphatically from the back seat, "I WANT CHICKEN!" It made us have a little bit of laughter on a very difficult day. We decided that would have been a hilarious commercial for Chick-Fil-A. William's laughter is infectious. I love listening to him laugh. I can hardly believe it has been almost 2 years since he was born. Today he learned how to go down the big slide at the park going on his belly. He could also climb the difficult different obstacles with Sean keeping him safe. He loves Mickey Mouse and Curious George. In the mornings he doesn't really know what he wants so he just says, "I want to watch Mickey George."

I have been really sick recently due to pregnancy. Today I am 11 weeks and 2 days. Almost done with the first trimester. I took William with me to the doctor's office this week. I kept telling him if he would be good that we would go to the park. Unfortunately that backfired because he just kept asking over and over again if we could go to the park. The nurse saw my desperation and had the doctor come see me immediately. William sat on the chair as the doctor pulled out the doppler to listen to baby Willardson's heart beat. He didn't have any trouble finding it. The heart beat was like music to my ears. I got emotional as I heard that heart steady and strong. Immediately William shouted, "heart!" I laughed. I didn't know the doctor understood him but he did. He was shocked and said, "that is a smart 2-year-old. I replied, "he is not two yet, and his mother is a nurse." I was so proud of my little guy. He knew his baby sibling. I can't wait for them to meet.

We are trying to teach him about babies and that a baby is growing in mommy's tummy. We gave him a glow worm for his first birthday and recently we started telling him it was his baby. He loves his little baby and loves giving it kisses. Sometimes it is embarrassing because he gets a little bit carried away kissing the baby. I believe he has learned that from watching his parents.

William is very independent. He likes to do everything by himself. He also likes to copycat everything that we do. Whether it is brushing teeth, coughing, vacuuming, telling the dog to sit, or making dinner. He just likes to be just like us. I find this as an honor and also as a fear. I want him to be William. And parts of me are scared he will pick up on our bad habits. I'm trying to find the motivation to be a better mom. Since I have been so sick it has been hard on me to interact with William. I feel like I am becoming distant from him, especially from me working full-time. I am excited to take him with me to Bear Lake for several days next week were we can do some more bonding. I truly love him so much.

I can also hardly believe we are going to be having another child. It is frightening and a dream come true all at the same time. We got the amazing news this week that Sean got into the Accounting program. I am so proud of him. He has worked so hard for this, and has had to pull through his last semester during finals despite the loss of his mom. As for the baby, Sean and I are both kind of thinking it is a girl but we both don't want to get our hopes up. We honestly will be excited with whatever it is. We just want a healthy baby. I am terrified of having to go through the NICU experience again. I am just praying that all will go well with this child.

Pamela still hasn't given birth yet. She is overwhelmed and ready to go anytime. Her due date is on Sean's Birthday and Father's day. I am excited for her to welcome a little boy in her family. I also pray that everything will go well with her. Maddie and William are wonderful friends. They love playing and screaming together. Earlier this year at a family party, they would keep escaping together and we would find them hiding in various places of my mom's house, including in the crib in the play room and the downstairs bedroom closet. They are absolutely adorable together.

William has also loved his grandmas. He actually calls them grandmer. He loves to get treats from Grandmer Major during church. He also points at her house as we pass by and asks if he can go to grandmer's house. That reminds me, most of the time he is very proper and uses please and thank-you. He still struggles with temper tantrums but he is getting better. He favorite things to play with are balls and any sort of car or truck. He also loves playing with his big sister Fiona.

Until next time!

Anne Willardson
5/25/14

Where Are You?

When we officially turned Williams's crib into a toddler bed, it was a very special night. We had fun exploring William's new bed and we enjoyed watching him absolutely love it!

Then it was time for him to go to sleep. We tried doing our normal routine, placed him in his bed, and then left him in his room to fall asleep. But he immediately began screaming!  I felt like I could literally feel his tears seep through the door. We gave him some time hoping he'd adjust but he became more upset.

I couldn't wait any longer and I went to his rescue. He was standing right at the door with elephant tears soaking his football pj top. I picked him up and laid him back in his bed. I simply told him that I loved him. We snuggled and the cries turned to whimpers and the tears turned off. He was so precious and perfect. After about 10 minutes of silence, his eyes looked heavy. His eyelids would flutter than snap open and he would look directly at my face. He resisted and resisted until those beautiful brown eyes began losing the battle. Just as I thought he was asleep, he would stretch his small hand to my face and touch it. Other times he would grab my hand or stroke my hair. He wanted to make sure I was still there until eventually the exhaustion won. 

Only three hours later we heard a repeat of episode one. Once again, I entered the room to find William right at the door. This time he was defiant. He was not going to fall asleep and risk the chance of losing his Mommy. He sat there straight-up on his bed staring at me. His hands would occasionally rub his droopy eyes, but otherwise he would not take his eyes off of me. After some time he felt safe enough to lay down beside me. Just as before, he would stare at me, drift to sleep, wake-up, and touch my face. After many minutes of stillness, I thought he finally fell asleep. Just as I began to move away from him, he reached out, grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to him. He then adjusted his blanket over the both of us and went back to sleep.

At this moment I began to see a parallel. I thought about my relationship to God. If only in my darkest hours I could reach out and feel His hand. Or maybe if I'd just cry hard enough at the door, He would open it and come to comfort me. My sweet William began his rhythmic deep breaths. I could tell that he was nearly asleep. My thoughts jumped back to my Creator. Yes, why couldn't I just cry and He would come immediately? Well, it's because God can not just come open a door that doesn't physically exist. So does God physically exist? Where is God? 

My thoughts deepened: my son was curled up next to me and was comforted by my very presence. I didn't sing to him. I didn't talk to him. I didn't even touch him, but he felt comforted. At times when he was scared or anxious, he reached out to me. He took the initiative to feel my face and stroke my hair. And when he was left alone, he went to the door and cried out to his parents. He knew we were there.

God is our creator and our Father. Yet there have been times in my life where I have felt utterly alone. I felt abandoned by Him. Tears have drenched my pillow but God was not there to comfort me. Where was God?! During some of those relentless hours, I moaned and begged for His comfort. During the times I did not need Him, I never bothered to find Him. I never reached out to Him. Then at times of desperation I felt like He was nowhere to be found and that was my proof that God must not exist.

With that feeling, I went to other sources to reconcile my pain looking for answers. When that failed, I would dull the ache by wasting my time with apps or the media. And repeatedly a question would linger in my thoughts, "If God cared about me in my darkest hours, than where was He now?!" And what about all the evils in the world? The torture, abuse, natural disasters, murder, and gut-wrenching pain? Where is He?

Habitually, every Sunday I go to church. Honestly, sometimes I don't know why I'm there. Honestly, sometimes I struggle with my faith. One day I overheard a conversation between a man and our bishop. This man was scruffy and dirty. He simply asked the bishop for food. The bishop began to inquire more information about him. "Why don't you come to church?"

The scruffy man talked at a million miles a minute, "I just don't have time. I am starting a new job, and there is a bunch of stuff I got to do. My motorcycle needs repairs and my friend is moving in with me and I got to help him..."

The bishop offered him some scriptures to read on his own time. Mr. Scruffy replied, "I told you, I don't have time for that so it's pointless to give it to me. Give it to someone that could actually use it. I just need some food."  (This gave me a deeper meaning to John 6:35)

I almost could see Scruffy slapping God's face, "I need your blessings but I don't have time for you."

That moment stung me. I realized that I have fallen into the same category of irony. And then I wondered if sometimes God asks us that same question, "my child, where are you?"

There is a very strong innate ability for me to run to my son's rescue. It literally pains me to see my child hurt. I realized that this must be the same with God. However, His ability to reach us is limited. But, if we meet Him at the door, He has promised us that if we knock (Matthew 7:7), the door will open. Unlike the comfort William gets from his earthly parents, our Heavenly Parents will not physically appear at the door. But that does not mean they do not exist.

Next time I ask, "where is God?" Instead I will say, "am I waiting for Him or am I seeking Him first?" How can I know where God is if I do not look for Him?

There is one problem with the conclusion of this post. I have not been able to identify where God is. But that truly is the irony of God. Because He exists in ALL of us. He is there for William through me and Sean. He is there for me though Sean and my mom etc. We are all His children and He lives in each of us. Just as William will always have a part of me, we will always carry a part of God. He is in what He created: the rainbows, beaches, forests, and mountains etc. His creations are literal representations of Him. And with this evidence, that includes our miraculous bodies, we find that when we truly seek Him, He is everywhere. And as we realize the reality of His existence and love, we can learn about Him in the scriptures, through prayer, through service and especially through being parents.

Like a child, I am working toward that perfect faith in God. There are times in my life where I have lost my faith in God. But it was at those times that I was truly in my darkest hours. He wasn't there, because I would not let Him in. I hope to never close my heart again and dedicate my life to knowing my God and my Creator.