Our Red Sea Miracle

My mother has always taught me to believe in miracles, I just didn't believe that they happened to me.  On her own blog, my mother has dedicated a whole page to tell her stories about the miracles that have happened in her life.  I am going to kind of cheat and copy and paste the following words from her blog about red sea miracles.

"There are miracles in my life I call, “Red Sea Miracles.” God, through Moses, cast ten plagues upon the Egyptians to free them from slavery. When Pharaoh’s oldest son died in the last plague, he finally permitted the children of Israel to leave Egypt. But Pharaoh changed his mind and led his powerful army of chariots, horsemen, and foot soldiers after his slaves. The Israelites fled down a narrow canyon which ended at the impassable Red Sea and there was no possible escape for God’s family."

Imagine being there in front of that enormous Red Sea and hearing the raging army behind you.  There is nothing left to do but surrender and die.  However, God puts us in a place that seems impossible so He can show us His most wondrous work. 

The children of Israel began crying to the Lord.  "Because there were no graves in Egypt, hast thou taken us away to die in the wilderness (Exodus 14:11)?"

Moses listened to his people.  At this point he probably wants to smack them on the head.  They had already seen so many miracles.  Why were they questioning God's powers?  Yet Moses stood tall and spake saying, "fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will shew to you this day."

Then the miracle happens, "and the children of Israel went into the midst of the sea upon the dry ground: and the waters were a wall unto them on their right hand, and on their left (Exodus 14:22)."

That is a "Red Sea miracle."  It is a miracle that happens AFTER there is no other possible way except to see God's hand.

We were right there in front of the "Red Sea" of infertility.  We learned that it would take a miracle to begin our family.  And at times we were like the children of Israel.  We complained.  We murmured.  And at times we lost our faith.

After countless nights of discussions and prayer, we felt that we were ready to "let go" of our desires to be pregnant and begin our journey of hope through adoption.  We attended many meetings.  We set aside our funds for the adoption, and we were ready to accept the average wait of two years before we had a baby. 

It took us two months to finish our paperwork.  However, the bishop kept taking forever to fill out his part.  Once his part was done, we would give LDS family services our $1,000 non-refundable down payment towards adoption.

We kept calling LDS family services asking them if the bishop had sent our paperwork and each time we were disappointed. 

During the third week of October, while we were waiting for the Bishop, I was late on my period.  (I track my menstrual cycle down to the day, a habit of infertility)  After being three days late, I began to wonder if I was pregnant.  I expressed the thought with Sean and he angrily replied, "Anne, you have got to stop hoping you are pregnant.  We know that it is not possible."  

Having the powers of a wife, I convinced him to buy some pregnancy tests on his way home from work.  He reluctantly obeyed my will complaining that it was a waste of money.  I took the first test and it was negative.  Two days later I was still late and I took another one.  It was negative.  I was slightly heartbroken, but it was nothing new from the months of trying. 

Thursday, October 20th, Sean and I had a huge argument about infertility.  I expressed to him that I didn't want to wait two years.  I wanted to spend our money on IVF.  He did not agree.  He knew it was right for us to continue our course of adoption.  We went to bed mad that night (yes, we go to bed mad). 

Friday morning, October 21st, I woke up at 4:30am because I had to urinate.  This wasn't unusual for me, but my period still had not started.  There was one pregnancy test left sitting in the bathroom cabinet and I grabbed it.  The test went immediately negative and again I was heartbroken.  I threw it on top of the trash and I cried.  I sat there on the tub and brushed my teeth.  I was bored so I began reading the pregnancy test box.  The instructions said something that caught my attention, "wait 2-3 minutes before reading results." 

I glanced down at the pregnancy test in the garbage and it happened. The vertical line appeared.  I was pregnant.  I knelt down next to the toilet and began searching through the garbage.  I found the test I took two days before and it was positive.  I was pregnant.  I wanted to scream and shout and jump up and down but I was motionless.  I could not move.  After I got a hold of my emotions, I grabbed the tests and ran to our bedroom.  I flipped on the light and Sean began to groan.  "Sean, I'm pregnant."

Sean, quietly mumbled, "Anne, that is not a funny joke."

I showed him the pregnancy tests and he laid there motionless.  After minutes he was able to register reality and grabbed me for a big hug.  We prayed and cried and prayed some more.  A miracle.  Our miracle.

But the miracle didn't end there.  I knew we were a high risk pregnancy.  My doctor was out of town, so we called nearly every doctor's office in the valley.  Most offices would say, "congrats, we'll be happy to see you when you are 8 weeks pregnant."  I was desperate and frustrated. We prayed that somehow we could get in to see a doctor. 

There was one assistant who answered the phone and personally dealt with infertility.  She listened to our case and personally went and spoke with the doctor.  He fit us in his schedule for late that Friday afternoon.  The doctor did an ultra sound but it didn't show hardly anything.  However, he found a little tiny circle and said, "you might be pregnant."  (I didn't take a picture of our first ultra sound).  He said if we were pregnant, we were between 4-5 weeks.

Us waiting at the doctor's office

Our miracle worker who got us an appointment (yes, I am wearing my adoption shirt).

Our positive result in the doctor's office

Us sending kisses to our baby (yes, we look retarded)

Because of my family history, I knew I was high risk of miscarrying.  I expressed my concerns and the doctor ordered some progesterone.  He told me that it would keep me pregnant whether or not there was a baby.  Sean and I were willing to take the risk.  We celebrated that day by taking the day off work, watching movies and going out to eat.  We knew that a miracle pregnancy may never happen again.

The doctor continued to do blood work on me for two weeks.  He carefully measured my hormones and progesterone levels and sure enough they were very low.  If we hadn't seen the doctor that Friday, I would have miscarried.  Our pregnancy was high risk and so the doctor saw us every two weeks until he could see the placenta growing.  Starting at week 6 we saw cardiac activity.  I cried. 

Week 6

 Weeks 8 and 10.

Week 8

Week 10 (you can kind of see it's feet on the right side)

We are now 12 weeks and we are in our second trimester.  There still may be complications, but we have witnessed a Red Sea miracle. 

My grandma who died  just months ago heard my words. Just moments before she passed, I whispered in her ear, "Grandma, I love you and I'm going to miss you.  Please send us a baby."  My grandma was a very hard worker.  I'm sure after she rejoiced and toured heaven, she immediately went to work on finding us a baby.  I have no doubt in my mind that my grandma, my aunt, and my daddy, who are all in heaven, helped send us this miracle.

And to all of you that will ask me, "have you been sick?"  The answer is YES!  I have been extremely sick.  However, I am entirely grateful to be sick (most of the time).

Our next appointment is December 23rd.  Keep us in your prayers.  We don't have medical insurance and there still may be complications. 

However, we have witnessed a Red Sea miracle. 

To my dear friends who are still struggling with infertility,

I wrote the following to my friend and I wanted to share it with all of you.

"God has a plan. And it totally stinks that you can't see into the future and know what His plan is. I know that infertility is heart-wrenching and a miserable trial. Sean and I pray for all our friends struggling with infertility every night. Somewhere out there, there is a spirit waiting to come into your home.

There is no easy answers. And I wish I could cure your problems. But I do know miracles happen whether in the form of adoption or an impossible pregnancy. It's just a matter of timing (which can be the most torturous of all)."

We love you all and thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Love always,

Sean and Anne

The Great Gifts in Our Life

I haven't blogged for awhile, and so I have many things to update.

First of all, Sean has been working as an accountant!  He loves it....most of the time!  I am so proud of him.  He applied and applied to job after job.  He didn't give up until he found what he was looking for.  His new company, Wright Express, has offered us great benefits and has given Sean more PTO then he's ever had.  We are truly blessed that even though we've been sent down a long road, God has paved it for us.

Second of all, I tore two muscles in my neck and one in my lower back.  Ironically I did this on my last day of my job at the hospital (without knowing it was my last day).  I had been interviewing for a couple different positions prior to my back injury.  After the injury, the doctor put me on strict rest and later I returned to work on light duty.  During this time I did hours and hours of physical therapy and continued interviewing for my new job. After three different interviews, I was finally offered my current job as the administrator over a new company of assisted living facilities.  It felt so good to give my two weeks notice.  However, at the same it was hard to think that I would no longer be doing patient care.

The gift comes in that my new job has a ton of random responsibilities, but none of them require heavy lifting or long hours (which is giving my back the relief of it's life).  None of our facilities are open yet, but there has been tons of work to do.  Our first facility opens (hopefully) in six weeks.  I am super nervous.  I don't feel like I am qualified for this job.  However, it is a once in a lifetime opportunity and I'm going to give it my best shot.  Plus my new company is spoiling me.  I got a new iPhone 4 and loads of PTO.  I get to basically choose my own hours and I can work many of them from home.  Once again, God is good.

Third of all, my nephew was sealed to my sister and her husband last weekend.  I had the most incredible experience.  I got to hold my nephew at the alter during the ceremony.  :D  I can't wait until the day that Sean and I get this privilege.  We did sealings in the temple yesterday, and we were able to participate in family sealings and act as the parents.  We smiled at each other during the ceremony because we were both thinking the same thing: soon we'll get to do this with an adoptive child. 

I also got the privilege of doing all the photography for the event.  Hehehe

Yes, I set the camera on a timer and ran into the picture.  I'm on the right side with Sean.

More pictures

 I found this poem and I absolutely love it!!
And it goes perfectly with my theme of gifts!!

Fourth, along with sealings, I was able to go to the temple after one of my closest friends was sealed.  Due to the fact that she has such a large family,  I wasn't able to attend the actual sealing.  However, she did invite us forever friends to be there at the temple for pictures and for the luncheon. I didn't have my camera there, so I am using Jessica's pictures from her blog.

I loved seeing her happy face.  Now all of us forever friends are married!! It is so crazy to think about.  All of us happily married and sealed for time and all eternity.  So fun!  I also took these off of Jessica's blog because I misplaced mine (yes, I'm aware I look retarded in this pic).  But these are the most recent of us taken in June of this year. Stacey is missing in this picture.

Then Stacey, Kurtis (her husband), and Sean are missing in the Pic below.

I taught a lesson today about how each person has divine worth.  I showed my Young Women a bunch of pictures of all of us friends and told them how it was because of these friends that I learned of my divine worth.  They have seriously taught me the Gospel of Jesus Christ through their examples.  I will love them forever, and I am so glad I get to have them as my forever friends!!!

Fifth gift: my mom and family.  We had a surprise party for my mom's 49th birthday.  She has had such a hard year with losing her mom, sister, and nephew.  It was so fun organizing everything and and surprising her.  My mom is the best person in the world, and a party was the least we could do for her.

I also got to be the photographer for the event (lol)...and ran into this picture that is now our updated family photo... yes, there is a lot of us!!! :D

I just have to say that I love them to pieces.  They are my best friends.  I absolutely love hanging out with my family.  Especially my sisters (that includes the inlaws). 

And especially, especially my twin sister (sixth gift).  She is my bestest of friends.  She has helped me so much these last couple of months, and I could never repay her.  We have had many a talks over the phone, many of visits at her home, and we have bonded more then we could ever bond.  I am so grateful that although I have had difficult trials in my life, God has always given me a companion to go through them with.  For 21 years it was with my twin.  And only nine months later (after she left because she was married), I was sealed to Sean (seventh gift).  Although at times I feel alone, God really has never left me alone (eighth gift). 

Ninth gift includes the gift of my friend Tara who listened to my complain for about two hours straight.  She seriously helped me during a very low time last week.  Then after listening for so long, she followed up with me the day after to see if I was feeling better.  Thank-you, Tara, I am doing better.

And last of all the wonderful gifts is the gift of our adoption photos (tenth gift).  My amazing friend, Liz, and her friend, Morgan, did our adoption photos as a gift to us.  They knew we were struggling with infertility and wanted to help us out with the best they knew how; photography.  We are starting our adoption journey, and with these pictures I know our family will not be overlooked.  We are so grateful to them and their support to us.

Thank-you to our Heavenly Father for the great gifts in our life.

Adoption: It's about love

Sean and I are SOOOOO excited to start the adoption process!  We are absolutely thrilled!  The last couple months have been very difficult for us.  From a family death, to infertility, to  our crashed car, to infertility, back to a family death and now to infertility.

I know so many of you think that I am just completely obsessed and consumed with this trial.  Well...I am.  This has seriously been one of the most difficult trials I've had to endure (and believe me, I've endured a lot).  It's one of those things that just won't disappear.

However, we have found new hope!  When Sean and I learned of our options to have children, we began the process for IVF.  All I had to do was read the paperwork and I KNEW it was not right for us at this time.  Adoption just felt right.  I had my doubts and continued to doubt.

However, the adoption conference I attended two weeks ago helped me to confirm my faith and linger longer in the valley of "waiting."

I was able to attend lectures on raising and bonding with adoptive children.  I listened to miracle story after story of adoptive families that (let me be frank) seem so much happier then any biological family!! Hahaha.  But seriously.  It's because these families cherish what they have.  Their children.  And their lives are devoted to saving at-risk children and giving them a better life.

My favorite class was on infertility.   I finally felt justified.  I finally felt I belonged.  Everyone listening and presenting the lecture was dealing with infertility.  The speaker talked about how infertility is dealt with by  the  stages of grief.  They may not be in any order, but those who struggle with the trial deal with it in different stages.  Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  I have spent a lot of time in the anger and depression stages.

I also loved how we all shared our stories of people telling us what to do to get pregnant.  The comments we  get from brainless people and the feelings that accompany them.

The speaker told a hilarious story about her husband.  After 10 years of dealing with infertility, her husband was the ward clerk.  One of the counselors to the bishop was complaining to her husband about having to trade in his sedan for a minivan because his wife was pregnant again.  Her husband threw down his fists and said, "don't complain about a minivan.  I want a minivan!  I want a minivan!"

The audience all laughed because ironically we have all been through similar situations.

I loved how the speaker gets frustrated when women say, "I'm so glad God entrusted me with my baby."  In her response she replied, "children are not rewards like stickers on a reward chart!"

I was so grateful she said that.  Because I had been feeling guilt that God didn't trust me and that is why I hadn't received His reward.

She told us that people who are infertile have children stuck in heaven.  I loved that!!  I'm going to use that message from now on.

On the second day of the conference, Sean decided to come with me.  We originally didn't plan to go to the Keynote speaker but we felt impressed  to attend.  I even canceled a  dentist appointment!!

We sat at the table waiting for Doctor Karen Purvis to arrive.  A musical number was introduced.  A sweet man stood near the piano.  He was adopted over thirty years ago and now had his doctorates degree in music.  He didn't explain why he chose the song, he simply just sang.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.


To hear a beautiful arrangement of the song, click play below.

I turned to Sean and asked,  "do you believe in coincidences?"

He laughed and said, "no!"

Lead Kindly Light is my favorite hymn.  It always has been.  It is not a common hymn and is sung infrequently.  I knew that the song was a gift for me.

When I was a junior in High school I wrote more verses to Lead, Kindly Light.  Restored from my cedar chest, I found the long lost lyrics.

I wrote the lyrics in a time of bereavement.  I was still grieving the death of my father.

I walked beside my friend one moonless night, lead Thou me on
Filled with the sorrow I wept to feel the light, lead Thou me on
A trace of love spread through the frosty air
A sheet of warmth draped over me with care


I stood and gazed at his undaunted grave, please lead me on
Crushed with the pain, I felt his warm embrace, that leads me on
This priceless gift had changed my hopeless heart
I felt his love and knew we're not apart


With every step and every breath I take, I'll lead thee on
Those were the words He humbly spake, He leads us on
He bled and died so I can be with you
I know He lives and loves me too


I think that God knows how to lead each one of us.  And for me, it is this song.

Dr. Purvis was absolutely amazing!  I have never met someone in such a short amount of time that I knew I immediately loved.  I love this woman.  I wish I could have recorded her lecture so I could listen to it again and again.

Dr. Purvis basically taught that there is no child so abused, so neglected, so hurt and angry that can not heal.  Every child has the potential to heal, and we can do it.

Sean and I will be buying all her tutorials and books on raising adoptive children.  Because of her, we hope to one day foster difficult children and change their (and our) lives.

Sean and I bought a license plate holder that says, "Adoption, it's about love"

We are attending our first adoption meeting September 1st and then we will be getting our papers rolling.  The average wait is 2 years.  At our second meeting we are required to pay a $1,000 non-refundable deposit!  But I know through out the waiting, we will be led.

God has blessed us so much.  Sean got a job as an accountant and it brings us one step closer to our life-long goals.  I know He listens and answers prayers.  Sometimes I feel emptiness, but I know my loving Savior is there.  He does live.  And even though I don't always agree with God's plan, I know He has one.

We are excited for our journey.  Thank-you to every one who is helping us in their own special way.  We have had answers to prayers and we feel your love.  Thank-you.

Anne and Sean

Girl's Camp...Happily Ever After

I had the greatest opportunity to spend four days with the Young Women in my ward.  Girl's camp was a blast!! I laughed so hard that each night my abdomen was sore and aching.  I grew to love each of the Young Women as individuals.  It's funny how water fights, playing silly games, and singing silly camp songs bond people together.  I don't think I've ever been so drenched with water and happiness at the same time.  There is a certain innocence and purity found in these young girls.  Being around them lifts my spirits to heights I haven't been in a long time.  Do any of you Jr. High friends remember playing 9ers?  I taught the girls that game and they loved it!  And even though I won nearly every single game (mwa ha ha ha) the girls kept wanting to play.   

After complaining about my poor handwriting, I convinced the girls to decorate my camp shirt.  It was seriously the coolest in the camp!!  They nick-named me Mamma Anne, and so they wrote it on the back of my camp shirt.  : D

While we were decorating our camp shirts, one of the girls was fixing another girl's hair.  She decided to be funny and put the hair in a hideous bun.  We all choked laughing and before we knew it, all of us had crazy hair.  The girls didn't stop there.  When the secretary to the bishop arrived, the girls sat him down and put three tiny devil-like pony tails in his short hair.  I can't wait to show the pictures (I didn't have my camera there and I have much regrets of leaving it home).

This year our Girl's camp theme was "Happily Ever After."  The theme was based off of President Uchtdorf's talk to the Young Women entitled, "Your Happily Ever After."

The following is the link of Elder Uchtdorf's talk...
http://lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/your-happily-ever-after?lang=eng&query=happily+ever+after

Along with our theme, the girl's memorized a song that went with the theme. Below is the song...

The song is so poignant.  The lyrics are as follows, 

Once upon a time
A child was born into this life
Heaven could be seen in her eyes
There was no doubt she was divine
And if you are still you will feel the truth
That the princess in this wondrous story is you

[Chorus]
It’s your time
It’s your destiny to shine
So arise
Be true to the royal
That’s inside of you
Don’t settle for the story that
The world would have you write
You were born to reach eternal life
Let faith fill every chapter
Let the Savior lead you to
Happily ever after

Sometimes in your life
The world will cast a spell
And try to make your conscience fall asleep
And forget the woman God would have you be
But if you are still you will understand
The noble role you play in his plan

[Chorus]

[Bridge]
When the forests fills with darkness
And wolves seek your soul
Just know
You are simply in the place between
Your once upon a time and your triumph in the end

[Chorus]

As we sat around the camp fire during testimony meeting, I looked around at all the girl's faces.  The girl sitting next to me had her head on my shoulder and kept hugging me and saying, "I love you, Anne."  In this moment I truly felt like I was surrounded by royalty.  Princesses sat all around me and bore their testimonies of our King and Heavenly Maker.  Tears were shed and the fire crackled as we shared our beliefs of our Savior.  Each girl shed holy light brighter than any trophy or worldly figure.  They are truly noble, and I am proud to call them my sisters.  

In my heart of hearts I want them to know how much I love them.  I will constantly think and pray for these young princesses.  If there is one last thing I can tell them, it is that there is nothing greater than being married to a royal prince and sealed for eternity in a temple castle to live happily ever after.  

Today I taught the lesson about sacrifice to the Beehives of the Young Women.  We discussed what it meant to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit.  I started a list of things that we sacrifice to be members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  Among the list was going to church for three hours every week.  A shy girl raised her hand and asked, "well, what if going to church is something I want to do?  I don't feel like it's a sacrifice."

I was literally stumped.  Feelings of guilt rushed into my heart.  I knew that it was truly the Young Women that were teaching me.  I looked at her and trembled, "that is exactly what it means to have a broken heart and a contrite spirit."  

She smiled and cheered, "sweet!"

I wanted to pause the moment.  For the last several months I have been cursing God for the trials He has sent to me. I have been so angry that He won't give us children.  I haven't even stopped to think about what "sacrifice" means.  I better learn how to sacrifice with a broken heart and contrite spirit or else I'll be a hypocrite.  After all, I am asking some girl some where to give me her baby to love and raise...and that is perhaps one of the greatest sacrifices a woman can do in this world.

Right now I do not feel excited and happy to say "I want to do the Lord's will."  However, I hope one day that I can follow the example of these young princesses which will ultimately lead me too my "happily ever after."  

To My Beloved Anne...(A Blog Letter to My Wife)

Hey Baby,

Tonight you are at work and I feel so alone without you. Have I told you that "I Love You" yet? Probably a hundred times already today. Well here is 101. I Love YOU! I could probably say it a hundred times more and still never express the true depth of the love that I feel. Words are so inadequate at expressing feelings.

We have both cried a lot this week haven't we? Goodness we have. We've gone as low as we thought we could go and then shot up only to watch the ground we thought was safe disappear. This has been a whole new low. Every tear you have cried this week feels like a dagger going straight into my heart. I'm so sorry that you have to feel all of this pain, but I'm here with you to share it. I Love you so much.

Boy, life is tough, rough, and unfair, but you know what there is no one else I would rather share this road with but you know what:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU&ob=av2n

I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

[Chorus]

Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you

How a amazing is that? I am certain that Heavenly Father sent me to BYU-Idaho so I could find you. I had too many spiritual impressions that helped me push our relationship along. I am so happy that I am married the amazing and wonderful woman that you are.

You are so special! You are strong and compassionate. You are intelligent yet have wisdom. You are so kind, gentle, and forgiving!

Sweetheart, I know I don't talk much and I offer solutions to things you just want to complain about, but know that I will always love you. I have loved you yesterday, today, and will love you for always!

Gah, I can't write these feelings in my heart. Baby, do you understand? I Love YOU! You are my heart. You are my soul. I can't live without you. You bring so much joy and happiness into my life. I love you so much I cry when I think about you ever being gone from my life. Oh I Love You.

Sorry this is disjointed, but I love you and it doesn't come out just right in words. Perhaps I will never be able to write it. Perhaps I am never meant to you. Just know that even though I am quiet and perhaps distracted. I Love You. I will never leave you.

Love you Always and Forever,

Sean

Updates

I know many people are wondering what is going on with all the ups and downs from my facebook updates.

I'm going to back-up for a moment.  Tuesday, July 19th, we learned of our options for us to have children.  As is, if we were to try four rounds of IUI we'd have a 10% chance of pregnancy each round (so up to a 40% chance costing around $3,000).  IVF would give us a 70% chance of pregnancy, but only a 60% chance of a healthy baby.  IVF for us would cost $9,800 plus $1,200-$3,000 for IVF medications and a special procedure we have to do, due to Sean's irregular sperm which is an additional $1,250.  So the lowest amount would cost us $12,250.  If the procedure does not work, there is absolutely NO refund.  Imagine wagering that much money on just a 60% chance of pregnancy (and remember, those fees do NOT include delivery costs etc).

We decided we wanted to continue saving our money for IVF and work towards adoption.  Many people have said to us, "why don't you adopt?"  They think that there is a plethora of children needing adoption (and there is), but what they don't realize is that the average U.S. adoption costs between 25,000-35,000$.  Look it up for yourself.  That is a lot of money.  However, costs are greatly reduced if it doesn't take an agency to find a baby/child for you.  Through connections, if a birth mom and adoptive parents go through a private adoption it reduces the costs substantially.  Many will ask, "why not go through LDS Family Services?"  We are starting our paperwork for this agency. The average wait time for LDS Family Services is 18 months, ranging sometimes up to 5 years.  As you can imagine, this is very stressful and excruciating when the wait has already been a long time.

Thursday, July 21st, at 1:00 a.m. I received a call from a friend who said she had a cousin who wanted us to adopt her baby.  The baby was due February 26th and her cousin had been looking at our pictures on facebook and was 100%  sure she wanted us to have her baby.  After sharing the miracle news and celebrating, 17 hours later we discovered that my friend was lying.  Her cousin contacted us and told us that she did NOT even plan on considering adoption.

As you can imagine, we have been devastated.  More bad news came Friday when my lab work returned from our doctor's visit.  We discovered that my prolactin levels were way high and my thyroid levels were way low. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist was concerned because this is indicative that my pituitary tumor is likely growing.  I will be going in for another MRI of my brain next week.

As a result, Sean and I have been beaten down and depressed.  We are hurt and we are hurting.  We are grieving and still trying to move on as best we can.  We know that one day we will have a family, we just don't know how many days it'll take before that day comes.

There is no easy fix to our pain and our infertility.  The fact is that we will be dealing with this for a very long time.

It pains my heart to see pregnant women.  I ache for a chance to be sick due to pregnancy.  I know pregnancy is no walk in the park, but dealing with the pain and paying thousands of dollars for a chance at pregnancy is much worse.  I hope you women that can conceive children appreciate the wonderful gift God has given you.

All my life I was working towards the time when I'd be married and be able to be a stay-at-home mom.  When Sean and I got married, I was so excited to start my dreams.  Marriage has been wonderful.  Sean and I are extremely in love.  We wanted to start a family immediately and chose not to use contraceptives.  We were ready for children from the get go.  After two years of waiting, I started to question what to do with my life.  I kept thinking, "maybe I'll go back to school," and then I'd jump to another thought, "well what if I get pregnant?"  The reality is that the chances of us getting pregnant without exceptional help is very small.  The fact is that my dreams are just going to have to wait.

I know God has a plan, and I know that He blesses us with miracles and love.  I know that this hard time will pass and Sean and I will start a family.  I have faith and hope in God's plan for us, but I am still grieving my dreams.  Grieving the amount of time, effort, and money it will take to build our family.

I just do not understand infertility.  I do not understand how a loving Heavenly Father wants us to become like him by multiplying and replenishing the earth, yet He takes away the choice of obeying His commandment.  I no longer have a choice to multiply and replenish the earth.  It has been taken from me, and now I have to leave it all in His hands with hopes that one day He'll bless us with a family.  I feel like that will require more faith than I have.

Starburst wrappers and toliet paper...

Due to infertility medication, my face had a bad break-out of zits on my chin.  After two months of working with the dermatologist to get rid of the ugly enemies, I started a new medication that burned my skin.  My face is peeling several layers.  My nose is burning from blowing and blowing.  My neck has a rash.  And I can't have a full bladder or else I pee my pants from coughing so hard (I guess I need to work on my Kegel exercises).  So there is a pile of toilet paper and Starburst wrappers on Sean's side of the bed.  Today I'm having a wonderful sick day.  I decided I ought to do something productive in bed so here I am.

Picture taken from Yellowstone.  I hated the camera the entire trip due to my remarkable zits.
Infertile women have their own battle scars.

My grandma's death has been so fresh in my brain.  Three weeks ago I sat across from her bed as I watched her take her last mortal breath.  She was so peaceful.  Her face looked like she was frolicking.  I went to her bedside and cried, "grandma, I will miss you so much.  Please send us a baby from heaven." 

Sean and I needed all the advocates in heaven that we could get.  But I had no idea that the fight was about to get worse. 

Now that the whole world knows about our struggles of getting pregnant, I decided I will also add to Sean's blog post with my frustrations, my jokes, my support and the blessings that have come as a result.

My wonderful Cousin, Julie, has helped me so much. We used up my minutes discussing treatments and fears. Every minute used was worth while. Her stories gave me so much hope. And her sympathies made me feel justified. I knew I was not alone and that others have it worse.

I discovered that although I feel alone, I am not alone. I chatted online with my long lost neighbor. She lived across the street for 15 years of my life. We attended the same school. We were the same age. And we grew-up together. However, I don't ever recall an actual conversation with her. I laughed out loud as we shared feelings and stories all stemmed from frustrations of infertility. Suddenly I thought, "I can do this." 

I've had so many comments and phone calls from family and friends.  It really shows me who cares.  The day Sean posted his message, my brother called me.  He's maybe called me three times in my life.  I called him back and left a message thinking he just had a medical question.  He returned my call with a message that said, "so I read Sean's blog post.  I am so sorry.  I want to help.  I love you." 

His message was so sweet.  Just moments before I was angry with him due to the fact that he had a five-month old baby, but after he had called I felt ashamed. His call meant the world to me.

I also had two coworkers that were so sweet to me yesterday.  Kathleen was absolutely hilarious.  I got a message from her on my vocera and I didn't bother to hear the message.  I walked over to the nurse's station and asked her what she wanted.  She said, "listen to your messages." 

I asked, "did you sing me a song?!" 

And she replied, "YES!"

I snickered thinking that in reality she was probably letting me know that I was getting a new patient.  Instead I heard an actual song she sung, "Anne Major, you are awesome!"  If I was on a heart monitor, you would have seen it skip beat.  It made my heart sing, "life can still be good."

I ran into Tammy in the cafeteria.  She immediately gave me a hug.  She told me, "I don't understand why you and your husband can't have children.  I am so sorry.   I read your blog and you are such wonderful people and I love you."  I cried.  Her words helped me finish my shift with the same loving kindness.  When I came home I shared her sweet message with Sean. 

My friend Marianne has been so supportive and offered to take me out to lunch instead of our plans for me to babysit her 4-month-old daughter.  She's been so sincere and she actually listens to me complain.  She doesn't even try to "fix" my infertility!

Messages have been sent from my friends sending their love.  There have been so many that I couldn't write about all of them.  I found it interesting that my bestest of friends immediately contacted me.  And although I was rude (sorry Aimee) and depressed (sorry Andrea) I still felt a sense of security. 

My heart is hardening and I hardly care. After feeling hopeless this morning, I sent a text to my sister. "when you started having infertility problems, did you ever question our faith?" My reply was in a phone call.

Solemnly she said, "yes, but I learned it was easier if I turned to the Lord."

 My face stung like salt in a wound. Tears were falling on my burned peeling skin. Of course I knew she was right. But I am not ready to stop searching the reason why God could be so cruel.

Guilty feelings reside in my head as I've complained about such a trivial matter.  I am ashamed and embarrassed.  I expressed my feelings to my brilliant sister who said to me today, "stop feeling that way.  You are grieving a real loss.  A loss of your children and a loss of your childhood dreams.  It is going to take time to heal." 

She is right.  It will.  No one can possibly understand what it is like to be told you can't have children unless they have been told the exact same thing.  Suddenly I feel like my life has no purpose.  No meaning.  I told my sister, "the greatest way to become selfLESS is to have children. So if God wants me to be selfISH, then I'm going to be selfish. We will go travel the world.  We'll drive nice cars and live in a gorgeous home.  I won't worry about trying to have children or adopting.  I'll be barren and as selfish as He is making me." 

My wise sister replied, "well what if one of your children is waiting for you in Heaven to adopt them." 

I groaned, "well they'll have to talk to God about that because He's the one that took away my power to have them in the first place."

New zits have emerged from my burned and peeling face.  I've been on five different medications to stop my acne and nothing has helped.  Once again, I'm reminded by the ugly suckers that I wasted away my body on a lost cause to get pregnant. 

Sean came home from work and I was right where he left me-in bed.  He didn't complain.  He laid next to me and handed me a shake from Arby's (my favorite).  Then he cleaned up all my tissues and wrappers and prepared dinner. 

Sometimes it seems like God puts me through the ringer for entertainment.  For example, we learned our awful news while we were in Yellowstone last week.  But we decided to ignore the news and enjoy our vacation.  When we arrived, Sean and I were so excited that we immediately started setting up our tent.  We had so much room to choose from, so we picked our favorite spot.  The next day our tent was literally floating.  Unlike Noah, we weren't warned of the floods.  No one else had a  tent surrounded by massive puddles.  Water started leaking into our tent and I was angry.  Like Noah, we moved our home to another dry location.

My mom being an optimistic was so excited that something, "memorable" happened on our trip.  She is hilarious.  Sometimes it seems like the storms only rage a war against me.  Sure other people are in the same storm, but it's my tent that gets stuck in the muddy rut.  Ironically,  I'm the one that chooses the ruts I get stuck into. 

But I know that after the rain and pain, beauty remains.

Yellowstone, the day after the storm.

I am going to live in faith.  But this week my dog has reminded me that it's ok to just eat, sleep, lounge and poop. 

.........

News...Caution: Infertility Details Related...

So this is my first blog post here. My loving dog Fiona staring at me with those eyes begging for attention. The perfect fit for our family. She loves to be in contact. The same as Anne and I. Both of our love languages include, quite heavily, touch. Fiona reflects this so well. As I write I am just stalling to break the news to everyone. Such terrible news as was a long held fear of mine is finally backed up by the science of man.

I will preface this by saying that only Anne and I's fertility problems has come to a head and well...we lost a major battle. Seven  days ago today we were told that approximately 80% of my sperm come out dead, or as good as. I forbid Anne to talk to pretty much everyone as I couldn't bear the selfish shame of being able to give my wife children. Obviously I have since changed. Two days ago we were informed that artificial insemination or In Vitro Fertilization are our only choices of having children that are genetically our own.

The following is my feelings on the matter, which are somewhat raw and unrefined. Many of you know that I do not display my emotion openly except rarely and most especially sadness. If you have seen me cry, it is indeed a rare event. I barely cry when I am alone. My thoughts, as follows, I have them written in the form of a letter. A letter to God. A fervent prayer in my heart.


Dear Father in Heaven,

I know you know me. I know you Love me, because I know that the Atonement of Christ is real. I know Jesus Christ was sent to this Earth to suffer for the sins of the world and my personal sins. I know you send trials to strengthen us. I know that I am not and have not been the most worthy of your children. Yet I thank you for your mercy and your love. I thank you for Your great charity.

But Father, why did you give my dear sweet Anne and I this trial? Why am I thus struck practically infertile? Surely you know that I have desired children since my teenage years, since taking care of my precious nephew Jackson. Through him I had a taste of parenthood. A taste that made me desire to be a parent of all else. Yet I am struck thus. Have I been that unworthy of the trust for fatherhood? Am I that poorly of a man? If so, why humble me this way? To deny me posterity in this way? I know not thy wisdom.

My God, I feel as if thou hast forsaken me. Taken me away that which I desire most in my life. In my pride I desire acclamations and recognitions, yet surely thou knowest that in my heart of hearts that all I wish for is children. That is what I desire most. To have children.

Dear Lord, why? Please give me wisdom soon. "Help thou my unbelief."

-Sean


I just don't know how I will do it. Perhaps you can hear the cries of my heart and soul.  I don't know how to express the overwhelming sadness and depression that ways so heavily on my soul. I am just incapable of doing so through writing.

For those of you who read this please for the sake of my beloved sweet Anne, please be mindful of what you say. She is more heartbroken than I. Yet Anne has been the savior of the moment. Her heart of such faith and strength. She is so good. Please understand that Anne loves her friends but how difficult it is to watch you be pregnant than say you need to do this or do that. We don't necessarily want your advice, for we know the Lord will guide us. We need your support. Your ability to "Mourn with those that Mourn."

I am still uncomfortable with having anyone know this as I have yet to turn this from "my" to "our" problem. Please show Anne the utmost of your Love.

Stitches...a pain that heals

June 9th,  I went into the dermatology office to get some moles removed and a cyst/nodule thing removed from my neck.  I was kind of nervous, but I didn't think it was that big of a deal.  After two minutes of being in the office, I was screaming just from the stupid local anesthetic.  An hour later I left with an inch of stitches on my neck right where the collar of a shirt is located, and stitches on my waist right under the belt line.


Pictures were taken June 18th , it looked MUCH worse than it did here.

 

A close-up of the neck

I have had a lot of different pains and annoyance's in my life, but these ones were SOO frustrating.  What didn't hurt before was causing me so much irritation and pain.  At first, sharp pains would shoot up and down my neck (I think a nerve ending was hit or something).  Sleeping was frustrating because a touch of either area hurt and so it took forever finding a comfortable way to sleep.  Sean was a gem and bandaged my neck, but the bandage welted my skin and caused a layer of redness and breakdown.  So for the last two weeks we've been lotioning the skin breakdown and neosporin'ing the wound.  For thirteen days I have been frustrated and annoyed by an inch of irritated, infected, sewn skin.

I feel a little ridiculous for complaining about such a trivial matter.

For the last week I've been wanting to blog about this new added beauty in my life, however I didn't because every time I did I thought of someone who has it worse than me.  For example, Stephanie Nielson. 
http://lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?lang=eng&query=stephanie+nielson#2010-05-10-my-new-life
      A woman who probably experiences the worst pain in the world due to her skin.  Yet look how she has triumphed!

Getting on with the story, I was laying in bed trying to fall asleep (like I do every night) and I couldn't.  Even after 12 hours of work, making dinner, and watching a show with Sean, I still could not fall asleep.  Naturally, I logged into facebook and read all the updates about "dad's."  A sledge hammer hit my heart.

It is the one day of the year that reminds me I don't have a dad. 

Every single year in the past 11 years I have absolutely hated Father's day.  I felt the pain in my heart and tossed in bed.  There it was again, those darn stitches yelling at me, "Owe!!! Get off!" 

The death of my father was a large "stitch" in my life.  It was a part of Heavenly Father's plan to lead to a greater healing.  The healing of my family.  This sentence is loaded.  You'd have to understand my family dynamics to fully comprehend the meaning of this statement.  My father died so that my family could heal.  The pain from his death was unbearable.  For the last 11 years, Father's day was just salt in a wound.  And though I miss him nearly every day of every year, I know that losing him provided a greater gain.

Maybe next year I will be glad it is father's day.  I do have a father.  And he is wonderful.

And I know Tara and Andrea wanted pics of my glasses.  I have one...



This is a pic taken on my birthday, June 5th.  Our family is together and healed.  :D



 Stitches came out today and sure enough, a large puffy infection.  I get to go on antibiotics for the next couple days!  But I know I'm on the road to healing and all is well. 

I can see clearly now with glasses on...

The last month has been eventful.  After Sean had teased and taunted me about my poor vision, I decided I'd go get an eye exam to prove him wrong.  As we were waiting, a salesperson said, "are you interested in glasses or contacts today?" 
I promptly replied, "neither.  I'm just getting my eyes checked." 

After several annoying procedures, they sent me in to see the optometrist.  I sat down in a funky looking chair with a weird contraption set in front of my  face.  Fifteen feet in front of me was letters projected on the wall.  Looking through the handy contraption, the doctor kept asking me which slides were blurry or clear.  After he was finished he said, "ok, read the letters on the wall."

Showing off, I zipped through every single letter thinking, "C'mon, my eyes are perfect.  I can see just fine."  Then the doctor pulled the contraption away from my face and asked me to read the letters again.  My jaw dropped.  I literally could barely report the first line.  Again, the contraption was set in front of my face and I could see perfectly. 

I asked with a disappointed voice, "does this mean I need glasses?"  The optometrist laughed and said, "only if you want to see the leaves on the trees, faces on people, and be safe when you are driving."
So I picked out my first pair of glasses...and these are the ones I chose.

During the last month I have thoroughly enjoyed seeing everything pristine and clear.  I can recognize faces.  I can read signs.  And the world is beautiful.  It has given me two things I continue to think about. 

1) It is amazing how so often we believe we can already see "perfectly" when in reality things are skewed and blurry. It is a reminder to me that I need constant correction.  And when revision is made, life increases in beauty. 

2) I have thought mostly about my nephew, Kody.  We learned last month that our three-month-year-old miracle is blind.  He has a rare condition called Leber's congenital amaurosis (LCA).  His optic nerves do not function.  No surgery or glasses will ever help him see.  Each time I hold him I feel a strong sense of gratitude that I have the ability to see.  I am so grateful that I have functioning eyes to see and ears to hear. 

However, even without eyes to see, blind people can still do extraordinary things.  More extraordinary then people with perfect vision.

I love the story of Erik Weihenmayer.  He is a man who went blind at the age of 13, but chose to triumph in his loss.  Today, he is one of only 100 to climb the seven tallest peaks in the world including Mt. Everest.  1 in 10 people who attempt to climb Mt. Everest die.  If you can imagine, Mt. Everest reaches nearly five and a half miles (8.85 km) into the sky.  Temperatures can get as low as -76 degrees Fahrenheit.  And the oxygen levels are 1/3 of what we breathe.  Studies have shown that blood oxygen saturations decrease down to 84% at base camp (and that is just the beginning).  Once a climber reaches the last leg to the summit, they will breathe over 90 breaths per minute to survive (normal respirations are 12-20 breaths per minute).  And yet with all these facts, a man who could only see hope, reached the top.

"We all have a lot of goals out here, ambitious goals that keep us busy. But in my life there's been something more important than a goal, what I call a vision." -Erik Weihenmayer

I am amazed at how much a blind man can see.

 

(I think my blog posts turn out to always explain a type of epiphany that I've had.  So I'm sorry if I bore you readers or make you feel like you are receiving a lecture.)