News...Caution: Infertility Details Related...

So this is my first blog post here. My loving dog Fiona staring at me with those eyes begging for attention. The perfect fit for our family. She loves to be in contact. The same as Anne and I. Both of our love languages include, quite heavily, touch. Fiona reflects this so well. As I write I am just stalling to break the news to everyone. Such terrible news as was a long held fear of mine is finally backed up by the science of man.

I will preface this by saying that only Anne and I's fertility problems has come to a head and well...we lost a major battle. Seven  days ago today we were told that approximately 80% of my sperm come out dead, or as good as. I forbid Anne to talk to pretty much everyone as I couldn't bear the selfish shame of being able to give my wife children. Obviously I have since changed. Two days ago we were informed that artificial insemination or In Vitro Fertilization are our only choices of having children that are genetically our own.

The following is my feelings on the matter, which are somewhat raw and unrefined. Many of you know that I do not display my emotion openly except rarely and most especially sadness. If you have seen me cry, it is indeed a rare event. I barely cry when I am alone. My thoughts, as follows, I have them written in the form of a letter. A letter to God. A fervent prayer in my heart.


Dear Father in Heaven,

I know you know me. I know you Love me, because I know that the Atonement of Christ is real. I know Jesus Christ was sent to this Earth to suffer for the sins of the world and my personal sins. I know you send trials to strengthen us. I know that I am not and have not been the most worthy of your children. Yet I thank you for your mercy and your love. I thank you for Your great charity.

But Father, why did you give my dear sweet Anne and I this trial? Why am I thus struck practically infertile? Surely you know that I have desired children since my teenage years, since taking care of my precious nephew Jackson. Through him I had a taste of parenthood. A taste that made me desire to be a parent of all else. Yet I am struck thus. Have I been that unworthy of the trust for fatherhood? Am I that poorly of a man? If so, why humble me this way? To deny me posterity in this way? I know not thy wisdom.

My God, I feel as if thou hast forsaken me. Taken me away that which I desire most in my life. In my pride I desire acclamations and recognitions, yet surely thou knowest that in my heart of hearts that all I wish for is children. That is what I desire most. To have children.

Dear Lord, why? Please give me wisdom soon. "Help thou my unbelief."

-Sean


I just don't know how I will do it. Perhaps you can hear the cries of my heart and soul.  I don't know how to express the overwhelming sadness and depression that ways so heavily on my soul. I am just incapable of doing so through writing.

For those of you who read this please for the sake of my beloved sweet Anne, please be mindful of what you say. She is more heartbroken than I. Yet Anne has been the savior of the moment. Her heart of such faith and strength. She is so good. Please understand that Anne loves her friends but how difficult it is to watch you be pregnant than say you need to do this or do that. We don't necessarily want your advice, for we know the Lord will guide us. We need your support. Your ability to "Mourn with those that Mourn."

I am still uncomfortable with having anyone know this as I have yet to turn this from "my" to "our" problem. Please show Anne the utmost of your Love.