Updates

I know many people are wondering what is going on with all the ups and downs from my facebook updates.

I'm going to back-up for a moment.  Tuesday, July 19th, we learned of our options for us to have children.  As is, if we were to try four rounds of IUI we'd have a 10% chance of pregnancy each round (so up to a 40% chance costing around $3,000).  IVF would give us a 70% chance of pregnancy, but only a 60% chance of a healthy baby.  IVF for us would cost $9,800 plus $1,200-$3,000 for IVF medications and a special procedure we have to do, due to Sean's irregular sperm which is an additional $1,250.  So the lowest amount would cost us $12,250.  If the procedure does not work, there is absolutely NO refund.  Imagine wagering that much money on just a 60% chance of pregnancy (and remember, those fees do NOT include delivery costs etc).

We decided we wanted to continue saving our money for IVF and work towards adoption.  Many people have said to us, "why don't you adopt?"  They think that there is a plethora of children needing adoption (and there is), but what they don't realize is that the average U.S. adoption costs between 25,000-35,000$.  Look it up for yourself.  That is a lot of money.  However, costs are greatly reduced if it doesn't take an agency to find a baby/child for you.  Through connections, if a birth mom and adoptive parents go through a private adoption it reduces the costs substantially.  Many will ask, "why not go through LDS Family Services?"  We are starting our paperwork for this agency. The average wait time for LDS Family Services is 18 months, ranging sometimes up to 5 years.  As you can imagine, this is very stressful and excruciating when the wait has already been a long time.

Thursday, July 21st, at 1:00 a.m. I received a call from a friend who said she had a cousin who wanted us to adopt her baby.  The baby was due February 26th and her cousin had been looking at our pictures on facebook and was 100%  sure she wanted us to have her baby.  After sharing the miracle news and celebrating, 17 hours later we discovered that my friend was lying.  Her cousin contacted us and told us that she did NOT even plan on considering adoption.

As you can imagine, we have been devastated.  More bad news came Friday when my lab work returned from our doctor's visit.  We discovered that my prolactin levels were way high and my thyroid levels were way low. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist was concerned because this is indicative that my pituitary tumor is likely growing.  I will be going in for another MRI of my brain next week.

As a result, Sean and I have been beaten down and depressed.  We are hurt and we are hurting.  We are grieving and still trying to move on as best we can.  We know that one day we will have a family, we just don't know how many days it'll take before that day comes.

There is no easy fix to our pain and our infertility.  The fact is that we will be dealing with this for a very long time.

It pains my heart to see pregnant women.  I ache for a chance to be sick due to pregnancy.  I know pregnancy is no walk in the park, but dealing with the pain and paying thousands of dollars for a chance at pregnancy is much worse.  I hope you women that can conceive children appreciate the wonderful gift God has given you.

All my life I was working towards the time when I'd be married and be able to be a stay-at-home mom.  When Sean and I got married, I was so excited to start my dreams.  Marriage has been wonderful.  Sean and I are extremely in love.  We wanted to start a family immediately and chose not to use contraceptives.  We were ready for children from the get go.  After two years of waiting, I started to question what to do with my life.  I kept thinking, "maybe I'll go back to school," and then I'd jump to another thought, "well what if I get pregnant?"  The reality is that the chances of us getting pregnant without exceptional help is very small.  The fact is that my dreams are just going to have to wait.

I know God has a plan, and I know that He blesses us with miracles and love.  I know that this hard time will pass and Sean and I will start a family.  I have faith and hope in God's plan for us, but I am still grieving my dreams.  Grieving the amount of time, effort, and money it will take to build our family.

I just do not understand infertility.  I do not understand how a loving Heavenly Father wants us to become like him by multiplying and replenishing the earth, yet He takes away the choice of obeying His commandment.  I no longer have a choice to multiply and replenish the earth.  It has been taken from me, and now I have to leave it all in His hands with hopes that one day He'll bless us with a family.  I feel like that will require more faith than I have.