Where Are You?

When we officially turned Williams's crib into a toddler bed, it was a very special night. We had fun exploring William's new bed and we enjoyed watching him absolutely love it!

Then it was time for him to go to sleep. We tried doing our normal routine, placed him in his bed, and then left him in his room to fall asleep. But he immediately began screaming!  I felt like I could literally feel his tears seep through the door. We gave him some time hoping he'd adjust but he became more upset.

I couldn't wait any longer and I went to his rescue. He was standing right at the door with elephant tears soaking his football pj top. I picked him up and laid him back in his bed. I simply told him that I loved him. We snuggled and the cries turned to whimpers and the tears turned off. He was so precious and perfect. After about 10 minutes of silence, his eyes looked heavy. His eyelids would flutter than snap open and he would look directly at my face. He resisted and resisted until those beautiful brown eyes began losing the battle. Just as I thought he was asleep, he would stretch his small hand to my face and touch it. Other times he would grab my hand or stroke my hair. He wanted to make sure I was still there until eventually the exhaustion won. 

Only three hours later we heard a repeat of episode one. Once again, I entered the room to find William right at the door. This time he was defiant. He was not going to fall asleep and risk the chance of losing his Mommy. He sat there straight-up on his bed staring at me. His hands would occasionally rub his droopy eyes, but otherwise he would not take his eyes off of me. After some time he felt safe enough to lay down beside me. Just as before, he would stare at me, drift to sleep, wake-up, and touch my face. After many minutes of stillness, I thought he finally fell asleep. Just as I began to move away from him, he reached out, grabbed my shirt and pulled me close to him. He then adjusted his blanket over the both of us and went back to sleep.

At this moment I began to see a parallel. I thought about my relationship to God. If only in my darkest hours I could reach out and feel His hand. Or maybe if I'd just cry hard enough at the door, He would open it and come to comfort me. My sweet William began his rhythmic deep breaths. I could tell that he was nearly asleep. My thoughts jumped back to my Creator. Yes, why couldn't I just cry and He would come immediately? Well, it's because God can not just come open a door that doesn't physically exist. So does God physically exist? Where is God? 

My thoughts deepened: my son was curled up next to me and was comforted by my very presence. I didn't sing to him. I didn't talk to him. I didn't even touch him, but he felt comforted. At times when he was scared or anxious, he reached out to me. He took the initiative to feel my face and stroke my hair. And when he was left alone, he went to the door and cried out to his parents. He knew we were there.

God is our creator and our Father. Yet there have been times in my life where I have felt utterly alone. I felt abandoned by Him. Tears have drenched my pillow but God was not there to comfort me. Where was God?! During some of those relentless hours, I moaned and begged for His comfort. During the times I did not need Him, I never bothered to find Him. I never reached out to Him. Then at times of desperation I felt like He was nowhere to be found and that was my proof that God must not exist.

With that feeling, I went to other sources to reconcile my pain looking for answers. When that failed, I would dull the ache by wasting my time with apps or the media. And repeatedly a question would linger in my thoughts, "If God cared about me in my darkest hours, than where was He now?!" And what about all the evils in the world? The torture, abuse, natural disasters, murder, and gut-wrenching pain? Where is He?

Habitually, every Sunday I go to church. Honestly, sometimes I don't know why I'm there. Honestly, sometimes I struggle with my faith. One day I overheard a conversation between a man and our bishop. This man was scruffy and dirty. He simply asked the bishop for food. The bishop began to inquire more information about him. "Why don't you come to church?"

The scruffy man talked at a million miles a minute, "I just don't have time. I am starting a new job, and there is a bunch of stuff I got to do. My motorcycle needs repairs and my friend is moving in with me and I got to help him..."

The bishop offered him some scriptures to read on his own time. Mr. Scruffy replied, "I told you, I don't have time for that so it's pointless to give it to me. Give it to someone that could actually use it. I just need some food."  (This gave me a deeper meaning to John 6:35)

I almost could see Scruffy slapping God's face, "I need your blessings but I don't have time for you."

That moment stung me. I realized that I have fallen into the same category of irony. And then I wondered if sometimes God asks us that same question, "my child, where are you?"

There is a very strong innate ability for me to run to my son's rescue. It literally pains me to see my child hurt. I realized that this must be the same with God. However, His ability to reach us is limited. But, if we meet Him at the door, He has promised us that if we knock (Matthew 7:7), the door will open. Unlike the comfort William gets from his earthly parents, our Heavenly Parents will not physically appear at the door. But that does not mean they do not exist.

Next time I ask, "where is God?" Instead I will say, "am I waiting for Him or am I seeking Him first?" How can I know where God is if I do not look for Him?

There is one problem with the conclusion of this post. I have not been able to identify where God is. But that truly is the irony of God. Because He exists in ALL of us. He is there for William through me and Sean. He is there for me though Sean and my mom etc. We are all His children and He lives in each of us. Just as William will always have a part of me, we will always carry a part of God. He is in what He created: the rainbows, beaches, forests, and mountains etc. His creations are literal representations of Him. And with this evidence, that includes our miraculous bodies, we find that when we truly seek Him, He is everywhere. And as we realize the reality of His existence and love, we can learn about Him in the scriptures, through prayer, through service and especially through being parents.

Like a child, I am working toward that perfect faith in God. There are times in my life where I have lost my faith in God. But it was at those times that I was truly in my darkest hours. He wasn't there, because I would not let Him in. I hope to never close my heart again and dedicate my life to knowing my God and my Creator.