Hey Baby,
Tonight you are at work and I feel so alone without you. Have I told you that "I Love You" yet? Probably a hundred times already today. Well here is 101. I Love YOU! I could probably say it a hundred times more and still never express the true depth of the love that I feel. Words are so inadequate at expressing feelings.
We have both cried a lot this week haven't we? Goodness we have. We've gone as low as we thought we could go and then shot up only to watch the ground we thought was safe disappear. This has been a whole new low. Every tear you have cried this week feels like a dagger going straight into my heart. I'm so sorry that you have to feel all of this pain, but I'm here with you to share it. I Love you so much.
Boy, life is tough, rough, and unfair, but you know what there is no one else I would rather share this road with but you know what:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8-vZlrBYLSU&ob=av2n
I set out on a narrow way many years ago
Hoping I would find true love along the broken road
But I got lost a time or two
Wiped my brow and kept pushing through
I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you
[Chorus:]
Every long lost dream led me to where you are
Others who broke my heart they were like Northern stars
Pointing me on my way into your loving arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
I think about the years I spent just passing through
I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you
But you just smile and take my hand
You've been there you understand
It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true
[Chorus]
Now I'm just rolling home
Into my lover's arms
This much I know is true
That God blessed the broken road
That led me straight to you
How a amazing is that? I am certain that Heavenly Father sent me to BYU-Idaho so I could find you. I had too many spiritual impressions that helped me push our relationship along. I am so happy that I am married the amazing and wonderful woman that you are.
You are so special! You are strong and compassionate. You are intelligent yet have wisdom. You are so kind, gentle, and forgiving!
Sweetheart, I know I don't talk much and I offer solutions to things you just want to complain about, but know that I will always love you. I have loved you yesterday, today, and will love you for always!
Gah, I can't write these feelings in my heart. Baby, do you understand? I Love YOU! You are my heart. You are my soul. I can't live without you. You bring so much joy and happiness into my life. I love you so much I cry when I think about you ever being gone from my life. Oh I Love You.
Sorry this is disjointed, but I love you and it doesn't come out just right in words. Perhaps I will never be able to write it. Perhaps I am never meant to you. Just know that even though I am quiet and perhaps distracted. I Love You. I will never leave you.
Love you Always and Forever,
Sean
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Updates
I know many people are wondering what is going on with all the ups and downs from my facebook updates.
I'm going to back-up for a moment. Tuesday, July 19th, we learned of our options for us to have children. As is, if we were to try four rounds of IUI we'd have a 10% chance of pregnancy each round (so up to a 40% chance costing around $3,000). IVF would give us a 70% chance of pregnancy, but only a 60% chance of a healthy baby. IVF for us would cost $9,800 plus $1,200-$3,000 for IVF medications and a special procedure we have to do, due to Sean's irregular sperm which is an additional $1,250. So the lowest amount would cost us $12,250. If the procedure does not work, there is absolutely NO refund. Imagine wagering that much money on just a 60% chance of pregnancy (and remember, those fees do NOT include delivery costs etc).
We decided we wanted to continue saving our money for IVF and work towards adoption. Many people have said to us, "why don't you adopt?" They think that there is a plethora of children needing adoption (and there is), but what they don't realize is that the average U.S. adoption costs between 25,000-35,000$. Look it up for yourself. That is a lot of money. However, costs are greatly reduced if it doesn't take an agency to find a baby/child for you. Through connections, if a birth mom and adoptive parents go through a private adoption it reduces the costs substantially. Many will ask, "why not go through LDS Family Services?" We are starting our paperwork for this agency. The average wait time for LDS Family Services is 18 months, ranging sometimes up to 5 years. As you can imagine, this is very stressful and excruciating when the wait has already been a long time.
Thursday, July 21st, at 1:00 a.m. I received a call from a friend who said she had a cousin who wanted us to adopt her baby. The baby was due February 26th and her cousin had been looking at our pictures on facebook and was 100% sure she wanted us to have her baby. After sharing the miracle news and celebrating, 17 hours later we discovered that my friend was lying. Her cousin contacted us and told us that she did NOT even plan on considering adoption.
As you can imagine, we have been devastated. More bad news came Friday when my lab work returned from our doctor's visit. We discovered that my prolactin levels were way high and my thyroid levels were way low. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist was concerned because this is indicative that my pituitary tumor is likely growing. I will be going in for another MRI of my brain next week.
As a result, Sean and I have been beaten down and depressed. We are hurt and we are hurting. We are grieving and still trying to move on as best we can. We know that one day we will have a family, we just don't know how many days it'll take before that day comes.
There is no easy fix to our pain and our infertility. The fact is that we will be dealing with this for a very long time.
It pains my heart to see pregnant women. I ache for a chance to be sick due to pregnancy. I know pregnancy is no walk in the park, but dealing with the pain and paying thousands of dollars for a chance at pregnancy is much worse. I hope you women that can conceive children appreciate the wonderful gift God has given you.
All my life I was working towards the time when I'd be married and be able to be a stay-at-home mom. When Sean and I got married, I was so excited to start my dreams. Marriage has been wonderful. Sean and I are extremely in love. We wanted to start a family immediately and chose not to use contraceptives. We were ready for children from the get go. After two years of waiting, I started to question what to do with my life. I kept thinking, "maybe I'll go back to school," and then I'd jump to another thought, "well what if I get pregnant?" The reality is that the chances of us getting pregnant without exceptional help is very small. The fact is that my dreams are just going to have to wait.
I know God has a plan, and I know that He blesses us with miracles and love. I know that this hard time will pass and Sean and I will start a family. I have faith and hope in God's plan for us, but I am still grieving my dreams. Grieving the amount of time, effort, and money it will take to build our family.
I just do not understand infertility. I do not understand how a loving Heavenly Father wants us to become like him by multiplying and replenishing the earth, yet He takes away the choice of obeying His commandment. I no longer have a choice to multiply and replenish the earth. It has been taken from me, and now I have to leave it all in His hands with hopes that one day He'll bless us with a family. I feel like that will require more faith than I have.
I'm going to back-up for a moment. Tuesday, July 19th, we learned of our options for us to have children. As is, if we were to try four rounds of IUI we'd have a 10% chance of pregnancy each round (so up to a 40% chance costing around $3,000). IVF would give us a 70% chance of pregnancy, but only a 60% chance of a healthy baby. IVF for us would cost $9,800 plus $1,200-$3,000 for IVF medications and a special procedure we have to do, due to Sean's irregular sperm which is an additional $1,250. So the lowest amount would cost us $12,250. If the procedure does not work, there is absolutely NO refund. Imagine wagering that much money on just a 60% chance of pregnancy (and remember, those fees do NOT include delivery costs etc).
We decided we wanted to continue saving our money for IVF and work towards adoption. Many people have said to us, "why don't you adopt?" They think that there is a plethora of children needing adoption (and there is), but what they don't realize is that the average U.S. adoption costs between 25,000-35,000$. Look it up for yourself. That is a lot of money. However, costs are greatly reduced if it doesn't take an agency to find a baby/child for you. Through connections, if a birth mom and adoptive parents go through a private adoption it reduces the costs substantially. Many will ask, "why not go through LDS Family Services?" We are starting our paperwork for this agency. The average wait time for LDS Family Services is 18 months, ranging sometimes up to 5 years. As you can imagine, this is very stressful and excruciating when the wait has already been a long time.
Thursday, July 21st, at 1:00 a.m. I received a call from a friend who said she had a cousin who wanted us to adopt her baby. The baby was due February 26th and her cousin had been looking at our pictures on facebook and was 100% sure she wanted us to have her baby. After sharing the miracle news and celebrating, 17 hours later we discovered that my friend was lying. Her cousin contacted us and told us that she did NOT even plan on considering adoption.
As you can imagine, we have been devastated. More bad news came Friday when my lab work returned from our doctor's visit. We discovered that my prolactin levels were way high and my thyroid levels were way low. Our Reproductive Endocrinologist was concerned because this is indicative that my pituitary tumor is likely growing. I will be going in for another MRI of my brain next week.
As a result, Sean and I have been beaten down and depressed. We are hurt and we are hurting. We are grieving and still trying to move on as best we can. We know that one day we will have a family, we just don't know how many days it'll take before that day comes.
There is no easy fix to our pain and our infertility. The fact is that we will be dealing with this for a very long time.
It pains my heart to see pregnant women. I ache for a chance to be sick due to pregnancy. I know pregnancy is no walk in the park, but dealing with the pain and paying thousands of dollars for a chance at pregnancy is much worse. I hope you women that can conceive children appreciate the wonderful gift God has given you.
All my life I was working towards the time when I'd be married and be able to be a stay-at-home mom. When Sean and I got married, I was so excited to start my dreams. Marriage has been wonderful. Sean and I are extremely in love. We wanted to start a family immediately and chose not to use contraceptives. We were ready for children from the get go. After two years of waiting, I started to question what to do with my life. I kept thinking, "maybe I'll go back to school," and then I'd jump to another thought, "well what if I get pregnant?" The reality is that the chances of us getting pregnant without exceptional help is very small. The fact is that my dreams are just going to have to wait.
I know God has a plan, and I know that He blesses us with miracles and love. I know that this hard time will pass and Sean and I will start a family. I have faith and hope in God's plan for us, but I am still grieving my dreams. Grieving the amount of time, effort, and money it will take to build our family.
I just do not understand infertility. I do not understand how a loving Heavenly Father wants us to become like him by multiplying and replenishing the earth, yet He takes away the choice of obeying His commandment. I no longer have a choice to multiply and replenish the earth. It has been taken from me, and now I have to leave it all in His hands with hopes that one day He'll bless us with a family. I feel like that will require more faith than I have.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Starburst wrappers and toliet paper...
Due to infertility medication, my face had a bad break-out of zits on my chin. After two months of working with the dermatologist to get rid of the ugly enemies, I started a new medication that burned my skin. My face is peeling several layers. My nose is burning from blowing and blowing. My neck has a rash. And I can't have a full bladder or else I pee my pants from coughing so hard (I guess I need to work on my Kegel exercises). So there is a pile of toilet paper and Starburst wrappers on Sean's side of the bed. Today I'm having a wonderful sick day. I decided I ought to do something productive in bed so here I am.
 |
| Picture taken from Yellowstone. I hated the camera the entire trip due to my remarkable zits. Infertile women have their own battle scars. |
Sean and I needed all the advocates in heaven that we could get. But I had no idea that the fight was about to get worse.
Now that the whole world knows about our struggles of getting pregnant, I decided I will also add to Sean's blog post with my frustrations, my jokes, my support and the blessings that have come as a result.
My wonderful Cousin, Julie, has helped me so much. We used up my minutes discussing treatments and fears. Every minute used was worth while. Her stories gave me so much hope. And her sympathies made me feel justified. I knew I was not alone and that others have it worse.
I discovered that although I feel alone, I am not alone. I chatted online with my long lost neighbor. She lived across the street for 15 years of my life. We attended the same school. We were the same age. And we grew-up together. However, I don't ever recall an actual conversation with her. I laughed out loud as we shared feelings and stories all stemmed from frustrations of infertility. Suddenly I thought, "I can do this."
I've had so many comments and phone calls from family and friends. It really shows me who cares. The day Sean posted his message, my brother called me. He's maybe called me three times in my life. I called him back and left a message thinking he just had a medical question. He returned my call with a message that said, "so I read Sean's blog post. I am so sorry. I want to help. I love you."
His message was so sweet. Just moments before I was angry with him due to the fact that he had a five-month old baby, but after he had called I felt ashamed. His call meant the world to me.
I also had two coworkers that were so sweet to me yesterday. Kathleen was absolutely hilarious. I got a message from her on my vocera and I didn't bother to hear the message. I walked over to the nurse's station and asked her what she wanted. She said, "listen to your messages."
I asked, "did you sing me a song?!"
And she replied, "YES!"
I snickered thinking that in reality she was probably letting me know that I was getting a new patient. Instead I heard an actual song she sung, "Anne Major, you are awesome!" If I was on a heart monitor, you would have seen it skip beat. It made my heart sing, "life can still be good."
I ran into Tammy in the cafeteria. She immediately gave me a hug. She told me, "I don't understand why you and your husband can't have children. I am so sorry. I read your blog and you are such wonderful people and I love you." I cried. Her words helped me finish my shift with the same loving kindness. When I came home I shared her sweet message with Sean.
My friend Marianne has been so supportive and offered to take me out to lunch instead of our plans for me to babysit her 4-month-old daughter. She's been so sincere and she actually listens to me complain. She doesn't even try to "fix" my infertility!
Messages have been sent from my friends sending their love. There have been so many that I couldn't write about all of them. I found it interesting that my bestest of friends immediately contacted me. And although I was rude (sorry Aimee) and depressed (sorry Andrea) I still felt a sense of security.
My heart is hardening and I hardly care. After feeling hopeless this morning, I sent a text to my sister. "when you started having infertility problems, did you ever question our faith?" My reply was in a phone call.
Solemnly she said, "yes, but I learned it was easier if I turned to the Lord."
My face stung like salt in a wound. Tears were falling on my burned peeling skin. Of course I knew she was right. But I am not ready to stop searching the reason why God could be so cruel.
Guilty feelings reside in my head as I've complained about such a trivial matter. I am ashamed and embarrassed. I expressed my feelings to my brilliant sister who said to me today, "stop feeling that way. You are grieving a real loss. A loss of your children and a loss of your childhood dreams. It is going to take time to heal."
She is right. It will. No one can possibly understand what it is like to be told you can't have children unless they have been told the exact same thing. Suddenly I feel like my life has no purpose. No meaning. I told my sister, "the greatest way to become selfLESS is to have children. So if God wants me to be selfISH, then I'm going to be selfish. We will go travel the world. We'll drive nice cars and live in a gorgeous home. I won't worry about trying to have children or adopting. I'll be barren and as selfish as He is making me."
My wise sister replied, "well what if one of your children is waiting for you in Heaven to adopt them."
I groaned, "well they'll have to talk to God about that because He's the one that took away my power to have them in the first place."
New zits have emerged from my burned and peeling face. I've been on five different medications to stop my acne and nothing has helped. Once again, I'm reminded by the ugly suckers that I wasted away my body on a lost cause to get pregnant.
Sean came home from work and I was right where he left me-in bed. He didn't complain. He laid next to me and handed me a shake from Arby's (my favorite). Then he cleaned up all my tissues and wrappers and prepared dinner.
Sometimes it seems like God puts me through the ringer for entertainment. For example, we learned our awful news while we were in Yellowstone last week. But we decided to ignore the news and enjoy our vacation. When we arrived, Sean and I were so excited that we immediately started setting up our tent. We had so much room to choose from, so we picked our favorite spot. The next day our tent was literally floating. Unlike Noah, we weren't warned of the floods. No one else had a tent surrounded by massive puddles. Water started leaking into our tent and I was angry. Like Noah, we moved our home to another dry location.
My mom being an optimistic was so excited that something, "memorable" happened on our trip. She is hilarious. Sometimes it seems like the storms only rage a war against me. Sure other people are in the same storm, but it's my tent that gets stuck in the muddy rut. Ironically, I'm the one that chooses the ruts I get stuck into.
But I know that after the rain and pain, beauty remains.
 |
| Yellowstone, the day after the storm. |
I am going to live in faith. But this week my dog has reminded me that it's ok to just eat, sleep, lounge and poop.
.........
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
News...Caution: Infertility Details Related...
So this is my first blog post here. My loving dog Fiona staring at me with those eyes begging for attention. The perfect fit for our family. She loves to be in contact. The same as Anne and I. Both of our love languages include, quite heavily, touch. Fiona reflects this so well. As I write I am just stalling to break the news to everyone. Such terrible news as was a long held fear of mine is finally backed up by the science of man.
I will preface this by saying that only Anne and I's fertility problems has come to a head and well...we lost a major battle. Seven days ago today we were told that approximately 80% of my sperm come out dead, or as good as. I forbid Anne to talk to pretty much everyone as I couldn't bear the selfish shame of being able to give my wife children. Obviously I have since changed. Two days ago we were informed that artificial insemination or In Vitro Fertilization are our only choices of having children that are genetically our own.
The following is my feelings on the matter, which are somewhat raw and unrefined. Many of you know that I do not display my emotion openly except rarely and most especially sadness. If you have seen me cry, it is indeed a rare event. I barely cry when I am alone. My thoughts, as follows, I have them written in the form of a letter. A letter to God. A fervent prayer in my heart.
Dear Father in Heaven,
I know you know me. I know you Love me, because I know that the Atonement of Christ is real. I know Jesus Christ was sent to this Earth to suffer for the sins of the world and my personal sins. I know you send trials to strengthen us. I know that I am not and have not been the most worthy of your children. Yet I thank you for your mercy and your love. I thank you for Your great charity.
But Father, why did you give my dear sweet Anne and I this trial? Why am I thus struck practically infertile? Surely you know that I have desired children since my teenage years, since taking care of my precious nephew Jackson. Through him I had a taste of parenthood. A taste that made me desire to be a parent of all else. Yet I am struck thus. Have I been that unworthy of the trust for fatherhood? Am I that poorly of a man? If so, why humble me this way? To deny me posterity in this way? I know not thy wisdom.
My God, I feel as if thou hast forsaken me. Taken me away that which I desire most in my life. In my pride I desire acclamations and recognitions, yet surely thou knowest that in my heart of hearts that all I wish for is children. That is what I desire most. To have children.
Dear Lord, why? Please give me wisdom soon. "Help thou my unbelief."
-Sean
I just don't know how I will do it. Perhaps you can hear the cries of my heart and soul. I don't know how to express the overwhelming sadness and depression that ways so heavily on my soul. I am just incapable of doing so through writing.
For those of you who read this please for the sake of my beloved sweet Anne, please be mindful of what you say. She is more heartbroken than I. Yet Anne has been the savior of the moment. Her heart of such faith and strength. She is so good. Please understand that Anne loves her friends but how difficult it is to watch you be pregnant than say you need to do this or do that. We don't necessarily want your advice, for we know the Lord will guide us. We need your support. Your ability to "Mourn with those that Mourn."
I am still uncomfortable with having anyone know this as I have yet to turn this from "my" to "our" problem. Please show Anne the utmost of your Love.
I will preface this by saying that only Anne and I's fertility problems has come to a head and well...we lost a major battle. Seven days ago today we were told that approximately 80% of my sperm come out dead, or as good as. I forbid Anne to talk to pretty much everyone as I couldn't bear the selfish shame of being able to give my wife children. Obviously I have since changed. Two days ago we were informed that artificial insemination or In Vitro Fertilization are our only choices of having children that are genetically our own.
The following is my feelings on the matter, which are somewhat raw and unrefined. Many of you know that I do not display my emotion openly except rarely and most especially sadness. If you have seen me cry, it is indeed a rare event. I barely cry when I am alone. My thoughts, as follows, I have them written in the form of a letter. A letter to God. A fervent prayer in my heart.
Dear Father in Heaven,
I know you know me. I know you Love me, because I know that the Atonement of Christ is real. I know Jesus Christ was sent to this Earth to suffer for the sins of the world and my personal sins. I know you send trials to strengthen us. I know that I am not and have not been the most worthy of your children. Yet I thank you for your mercy and your love. I thank you for Your great charity.
But Father, why did you give my dear sweet Anne and I this trial? Why am I thus struck practically infertile? Surely you know that I have desired children since my teenage years, since taking care of my precious nephew Jackson. Through him I had a taste of parenthood. A taste that made me desire to be a parent of all else. Yet I am struck thus. Have I been that unworthy of the trust for fatherhood? Am I that poorly of a man? If so, why humble me this way? To deny me posterity in this way? I know not thy wisdom.
My God, I feel as if thou hast forsaken me. Taken me away that which I desire most in my life. In my pride I desire acclamations and recognitions, yet surely thou knowest that in my heart of hearts that all I wish for is children. That is what I desire most. To have children.
Dear Lord, why? Please give me wisdom soon. "Help thou my unbelief."
-Sean
I just don't know how I will do it. Perhaps you can hear the cries of my heart and soul. I don't know how to express the overwhelming sadness and depression that ways so heavily on my soul. I am just incapable of doing so through writing.
For those of you who read this please for the sake of my beloved sweet Anne, please be mindful of what you say. She is more heartbroken than I. Yet Anne has been the savior of the moment. Her heart of such faith and strength. She is so good. Please understand that Anne loves her friends but how difficult it is to watch you be pregnant than say you need to do this or do that. We don't necessarily want your advice, for we know the Lord will guide us. We need your support. Your ability to "Mourn with those that Mourn."
I am still uncomfortable with having anyone know this as I have yet to turn this from "my" to "our" problem. Please show Anne the utmost of your Love.
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