Who Says? Wisdom from my mother...

The past month has been a month of miracles and a month of depression.  It seems as if in this society "depression" is condemned.  It is ridiculed.  It is a silent disease.  Those who have it, can't express it.  Those who see it pretend it doesn't exist.  Comments fly such as, "don't worry, be happy."  Or the infamous, "you shouldn't be sad, you have a good life."  Well, my heart agrees with those statements, but my brain is fast to reject.  I find myself embarrassed about admitting I'm prone to depression, however, it is how I have lived the last month.  It is as if my body doesn't have an "on" switch and my mind doesn't have an "off" switch.  I take one day at a time.  It is nearly impossible to motivate myself to get out of bed when I don't have to work or don't have other plans.  I dread nearly everything I have to do.  My life is lived in slow motion, every minute feels like an hour, and hours feel like years.  My heart aches on a daily basis and my mind rewinds and replays all the reasons as to why life isn't worth living.  As you can imagine or as you may have personally experienced, living this way of life is in itself depressing.  I cry in Sean's arms until I go numb.  I try to read.  I try to clean.  I try to do anything other than nothing.  When I succeed at doing something I literally exhaust myself.  Thoughts go through my head saying, "you are ugly, people just pretend to be nice to you."  Moments of my mistakes scream through my brain, "remember when...."  And the further I become depressed, the more I realize what a retard I am and the cycle continues.

However, I am writing this post to help me heal.  I'm done dwelling.  I'm done crying.  It's time to become more like my mother.



I love Disney! And I came across this song by Selena Gomez that I have really come to appreciate.

You've got every right
To a beautiful life!

 Who says?

Who says you're not perfect?

Who says you're not worth it?

Who says you're the only one that's hurting?

.....

Who says you're not pretty?

Who says you're not beautiful?

Who says?

I love the meaning of the song.  In most instances it is myself that says those things.  My mom has probably told me this quote a thousand times,

"10% of the people you meet will love you.                                  

10% of the people you meet will hate you.                   

     and 80% of the people you meet just won't care."

Although I'm sure those statistics are right for most people, I believe that 80% of people love my mom.  :D

My mom is such an incredible example to me.  She lives her life like the lyric in the song, "when it comes to me, I wouldn't want to be anyone else." 

Time and time again she shows me her faith and testimony.  There are several things that my mom has done that have left a forever impression upon my mind. But today I want to chronicle three:

1)  Growing up, I remember rainy school mornings when most moms drove their kids to school.  But not my mom.  She'd wake us up early and we'd get ready to walk to school just like any other day.  Without an umbrella, we'd walk down the big hill to the elementary school.  It's hard to imagine a 3rd grader embarrassed by their mom, but I was, because my mom would literally dance in the rain.  She'd skip.  she'd sing.  And she would force it upon me and my twin.  By the time we got to school, I was soaked but already having the best day.  Every day was like that.  Life was an adventure, and she lived every day like a fairytale.  She didn't care if nature decided it would be a "bad day!"  She'd take advantage of all the things normal people would call "misfortunes" and turn them into jackpots.  It wasn't just with rain, it was with everything.  Such as during long power outages, my mom would gather the family, build a big fire in the furnace and we'd sing camp songs and roast marshmallows.  I cherish those memories more than anything.  The other day my mom guiltily admitted that most of our "power outages" were mom-made.  :D As I look back on her enthusiasm and her cheer, I realize that she sincerely loved life.  She still lives this way today. 

2) After 27 years of marriage, her husband died of cancer.  My mom was left a widow at 47 and a single mom with four children still left at home.  When making plans for the funeral, I was complaining to my mom that I didn't have anything "black" to wear.  My mom carefully held her tears in her eyes and with her chin-up she said, "why do people wear black at funerals? A funeral is to remember the life of a loved one and I'm sure your dad doesn't want to be remembered as black.  I'm going to wear yellow."  And she did.  She wore yellow.  I don't recall my mom crying the day we buried my father, but instead I remember her laughing and being grateful for the days she had with the love of her life, and the eternities she'd have with him again. In her grief, she stays positive.  Recently her sister is dying from cancer.  This has been very hard on my mom.  But even though she is saddened by losing her sister, she finds ways to show her gratitude.  As she was remodeling the house, she began writing on the wooden floor with a magic marker.  Every little thing she wrote was something she was grateful for.  The entire kitchen, hallway and entry was filled with words of gratitude for her wonderful life.  Wow.

3) After two semesters of college, I came home for a semester to work and save money.  It was the only semester I lived off campus for my entire four years of college.  I really had a rough time.  All I did was work and exist.  Basically I was living then like I'm living now.  One day I was lamenting and studying in my room when my mom knocked on the door.  In her hands were three juggling balls.  She sternly said to me, Anne I need you to watch this.  I watched for nearly an hour as my mom attempted again and again to juggle.  Sometimes she would make improvements, but most times she would just drop the balls.  We laughed and I cheered her on.  Soon she came and sat on my bed and solemnly said, "Anne, when I die, I want you to put in my obituary that I could juggle."  I thought she was joking so I busted up laughing about how ridiculous it would be to mention something so trivial in a life's synopsis.  She smiled and said again, "Anne, how many middle-aged women do you know that are learning how to juggle?"  I was dumbfounded.  Honestly, I couldn't link of any.  She laughed and said again, "when I die, I want my obituary to say that I knew how to juggle." It has been five years since I watched her juggle, and today I finally realize why she wanted that in her obituary.  It's because it's a statement that says, "I am not afraid to try, I never give-up, and I love being me." I'm pleased to announce that my mother still practices her juggling.

Although I may struggle in the depths of depression.  And although I complain and wallow in despair, I'm making a new goal to be more like my mother.  Not to become her, but to love being me like she does. 

The greatest blessing God has given me is my mother.  It is because of her that I have a testimony of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  It is because of her that I learned how to challenge myself, work hard, and become a nurse.  It is because of her that I found in Sean, the love of my life.  She taught me how to love.  She taught me how to trust.  And above all, she taught me how to enjoy life's journey, so I'm going to start acting like I learned how.

Who says I'm not worth it? Not me.

I am the offspring of the most incredible woman I know.  

I have worth through my mother!

Thank-You, mom!  I will love you forever!