Sean and I are SOOOOO excited to start the adoption process! We are absolutely thrilled! The last couple months have been very difficult for us. From a family death, to infertility, to our crashed car, to infertility, back to a family death and now to infertility.
I know so many of you think that I am just completely obsessed and consumed with this trial. Well...I am. This has seriously been one of the most difficult trials I've had to endure (and believe me, I've endured a lot). It's one of those things that just won't disappear.
However, we have found new hope! When Sean and I learned of our options to have children, we began the process for IVF. All I had to do was read the paperwork and I KNEW it was not right for us at this time. Adoption just felt right. I had my doubts and continued to doubt.
However, the adoption conference I attended two weeks ago helped me to confirm my faith and linger longer in the valley of "waiting."
I was able to attend lectures on raising and bonding with adoptive children. I listened to miracle story after story of adoptive families that (let me be frank) seem so much happier then any biological family!! Hahaha. But seriously. It's because these families cherish what they have. Their children. And their lives are devoted to saving at-risk children and giving them a better life.
My favorite class was on infertility. I finally felt justified. I finally felt I belonged. Everyone listening and presenting the lecture was dealing with infertility. The speaker talked about how infertility is dealt with by the stages of grief. They may not be in any order, but those who struggle with the trial deal with it in different stages. Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. I have spent a lot of time in the anger and depression stages.
I also loved how we all shared our stories of people telling us what to do to get pregnant. The comments we get from brainless people and the feelings that accompany them.
The speaker told a hilarious story about her husband. After 10 years of dealing with infertility, her husband was the ward clerk. One of the counselors to the bishop was complaining to her husband about having to trade in his sedan for a minivan because his wife was pregnant again. Her husband threw down his fists and said, "don't complain about a minivan. I want a minivan! I want a minivan!"
The audience all laughed because ironically we have all been through similar situations.
I loved how the speaker gets frustrated when women say, "I'm so glad God entrusted me with my baby." In her response she replied, "children are not rewards like stickers on a reward chart!"
I was so grateful she said that. Because I had been feeling guilt that God didn't trust me and that is why I hadn't received His reward.
She told us that people who are infertile have children stuck in heaven. I loved that!! I'm going to use that message from now on.
On the second day of the conference, Sean decided to come with me. We originally didn't plan to go to the Keynote speaker but we felt impressed to attend. I even canceled a dentist appointment!!
We sat at the table waiting for Doctor Karen Purvis to arrive. A musical number was introduced. A sweet man stood near the piano. He was adopted over thirty years ago and now had his doctorates degree in music. He didn't explain why he chose the song, he simply just sang.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th’encircling gloom, lead Thou me on!
The night is dark, and I am far from home; lead Thou me on!
Keep Thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene; one step enough for me.
To hear a beautiful arrangement of the song, click play below.
I turned to Sean and asked, "do you believe in coincidences?"
He laughed and said, "no!"
Lead Kindly Light is my favorite hymn. It always has been. It is not a common hymn and is sung infrequently. I knew that the song was a gift for me.
When I was a junior in High school I wrote more verses to Lead, Kindly Light. Restored from my cedar chest, I found the long lost lyrics.
I wrote the lyrics in a time of bereavement. I was still grieving the death of my father.
I walked beside my friend one moonless night, lead Thou me on
Filled with the sorrow I wept to feel the light, lead Thou me on
A trace of love spread through the frosty air
A sheet of warmth draped over me with care
I stood and gazed at his undaunted grave, please lead me on
Crushed with the pain, I felt his warm embrace, that leads me on
This priceless gift had changed my hopeless heart
I felt his love and knew we're not apart
With every step and every breath I take, I'll lead thee on
Those were the words He humbly spake, He leads us on
He bled and died so I can be with you
I know He lives and loves me too
I think that God knows how to lead each one of us. And for me, it is this song.
Dr. Purvis was absolutely amazing! I have never met someone in such a short amount of time that I knew I immediately loved. I love this woman. I wish I could have recorded her lecture so I could listen to it again and again.
Dr. Purvis basically taught that there is no child so abused, so neglected, so hurt and angry that can not heal. Every child has the potential to heal, and we can do it.
Sean and I will be buying all her tutorials and books on raising adoptive children. Because of her, we hope to one day foster difficult children and change their (and our) lives.
We are attending our first adoption meeting September 1st and then we will be getting our papers rolling. The average wait is 2 years. At our second meeting we are required to pay a $1,000 non-refundable deposit! But I know through out the waiting, we will be led.
God has blessed us so much. Sean got a job as an accountant and it brings us one step closer to our life-long goals. I know He listens and answers prayers. Sometimes I feel emptiness, but I know my loving Savior is there. He does live. And even though I don't always agree with God's plan, I know He has one.
We are excited for our journey. Thank-you to every one who is helping us in their own special way. We have had answers to prayers and we feel your love. Thank-you.
Anne and Sean
